huge.

I feel like a cow...i love it when they say the baby is the size of a watermelon. Because that is exactly what I feel like I am walking around with in my belly - a huge fat watermelon. I am in my 37th week. Cam is considered full term. And with the way I am feeling, I should be meeting him in a few weeks.

I have my moments of sheer terror and panic attacks. I can't imagine what labor is going to be like, and up until the last few weeks, I wasn't worried about it. Now I am. I don't want the pain. I don't think anyone does. And I keep saying people have babies everyday. However, i am sure they have that moment where they think - WHAT AM I DOING!?

I have another appointment this week where she will check me to see if I am dilated. I am very nervous! lol

He dropped.

So I go there and wait. Cause that is what you do at a Dr.'s office! I check out all the people in there. There are some people that aren't pregnant in there and there are others that are - in various stages of pregnancy - and then some people are bringing in their babies for check ups. I always think that people think I am only a few months pregnant - as I am not very LARGE in the belly. So...I don't try and guess...

Well this woman walks in. She is tall - and skinny but in front of her is like a balance ball worth of stomach! She looked miserable, walked miserable, and just ugh, you could tell she was...miserable! She sat next to her husband, boyfriend, or brother or father, and then got up to go to the bathroom. The woman next to me was like, "she looks like she is ready to go!" And he replied with "she's carrying twins and she is past her due date...she is ready for them to come out." So I listened to these two gab about this woman. I felt so bad for her. And thankful at the same time that I was not that miserable. Then the woman behind me was a jabber jaw and wouldn't shut up! Not to mention she was loud so she was sharing her entire conversation with the rest of the office, and I was thinking what everyone else was, I am sure of it...."SHUT UP NO ONE CARES!" So about the time that i was so fed up with her voice that I actually started rolling my eyes and saying "omg shut up" under my breath my name was called. I was like, THANK YOU!

The nurse always apologizes for the wait...it's like, don't apologize, it's to be expected. lol

There is a test I have been dreading since a read about it. But it's for a bacteria called Group B Strep. It's a common bacteria in adults and is harmless with no symptoms. However, it can be passed to the infant during birth - it is extremely harmful for them. As their immune system isn't the greatest. Well it's a swabbie-do with a gigantic Q-Tip. And then swabbie 2 regions - you can guess which two. And if you can't guess, then I will tell you. Otherwise...i think you know. Well I didn't want it. Or at least I wanted some sort of warning.

Well I didn't get it. I got into the room and I looked at the table and there was a lot more items on it than usual. And as I was staring all bug-eyed she said it. "The Dr. is going to perform the Group B Strep test, so you'll need to get undressed from the waist down." She leaves the room, I get undressed and cover myself with the large paper towel and send a text to Kate cussing her out and telling her I had to get it done.

She comes in and I lay back. She first always measures my belly and then listens to the heartbeat. So as soon as I lay back and she turns around she was like, "OMG YOU DROPPED GIRL!" I was like, I DID!?! "Dropping" or "lightening" is when the baby gets into position for birth - and it usually happens a few weeks before you go into labor. This is actually the "first" sign that labor is coming. (i think it's the only sign other than contractions) So she was telling me that she could see the head placement though my skin - and where it was - and then she could tell that his butt was up at the top of my belly. Almost as if he was laying upside-down diagonally. I couldn't see this as I can't see over my bellybutton. She said Oh it will be any day now. We should start weekly visits from this point on....it was far too real for me that i was pregnant and about to give birth to a baby boy and then be responsible for said baby until he is 18 - but then still feeling responsible for him as he gets older. So then she performs the teat - yeah it's not fun - but it's not painful - it's just the humbling experience of it all.

So...i will go weekly and she will check me weekly to see if I am dilated at all, and if I am - what I should do. lol Most likely go to the hospital.

it just seems like it all went so fast. Like just the other day I was telling you I was pregnant! lol At least I can say that I accomplished what I wanted - i wanted to be divorced before he came. and that happened.

It's just scary now. Now i am worried about after the birth and what you do. And if I will go through post-pardum badly. If I will be doing this alone. As I don't think I can deal with my mother being there everyday. She will want to be and I will go absolutely nuts. But who knows. Maybe Dad will be there and helpful...maybe not. I just don't like not knowing the certainty of what is happening afterwards. and for the first time, things are absolutely NOT in my hands.

So, it would be in 5 days, or 2 weeks - either way - Cam is coming...