huge.

I feel like a cow...i love it when they say the baby is the size of a watermelon. Because that is exactly what I feel like I am walking around with in my belly - a huge fat watermelon. I am in my 37th week. Cam is considered full term. And with the way I am feeling, I should be meeting him in a few weeks.

I have my moments of sheer terror and panic attacks. I can't imagine what labor is going to be like, and up until the last few weeks, I wasn't worried about it. Now I am. I don't want the pain. I don't think anyone does. And I keep saying people have babies everyday. However, i am sure they have that moment where they think - WHAT AM I DOING!?

I have another appointment this week where she will check me to see if I am dilated. I am very nervous! lol

He dropped.

So I go there and wait. Cause that is what you do at a Dr.'s office! I check out all the people in there. There are some people that aren't pregnant in there and there are others that are - in various stages of pregnancy - and then some people are bringing in their babies for check ups. I always think that people think I am only a few months pregnant - as I am not very LARGE in the belly. So...I don't try and guess...

Well this woman walks in. She is tall - and skinny but in front of her is like a balance ball worth of stomach! She looked miserable, walked miserable, and just ugh, you could tell she was...miserable! She sat next to her husband, boyfriend, or brother or father, and then got up to go to the bathroom. The woman next to me was like, "she looks like she is ready to go!" And he replied with "she's carrying twins and she is past her due date...she is ready for them to come out." So I listened to these two gab about this woman. I felt so bad for her. And thankful at the same time that I was not that miserable. Then the woman behind me was a jabber jaw and wouldn't shut up! Not to mention she was loud so she was sharing her entire conversation with the rest of the office, and I was thinking what everyone else was, I am sure of it...."SHUT UP NO ONE CARES!" So about the time that i was so fed up with her voice that I actually started rolling my eyes and saying "omg shut up" under my breath my name was called. I was like, THANK YOU!

The nurse always apologizes for the wait...it's like, don't apologize, it's to be expected. lol

There is a test I have been dreading since a read about it. But it's for a bacteria called Group B Strep. It's a common bacteria in adults and is harmless with no symptoms. However, it can be passed to the infant during birth - it is extremely harmful for them. As their immune system isn't the greatest. Well it's a swabbie-do with a gigantic Q-Tip. And then swabbie 2 regions - you can guess which two. And if you can't guess, then I will tell you. Otherwise...i think you know. Well I didn't want it. Or at least I wanted some sort of warning.

Well I didn't get it. I got into the room and I looked at the table and there was a lot more items on it than usual. And as I was staring all bug-eyed she said it. "The Dr. is going to perform the Group B Strep test, so you'll need to get undressed from the waist down." She leaves the room, I get undressed and cover myself with the large paper towel and send a text to Kate cussing her out and telling her I had to get it done.

She comes in and I lay back. She first always measures my belly and then listens to the heartbeat. So as soon as I lay back and she turns around she was like, "OMG YOU DROPPED GIRL!" I was like, I DID!?! "Dropping" or "lightening" is when the baby gets into position for birth - and it usually happens a few weeks before you go into labor. This is actually the "first" sign that labor is coming. (i think it's the only sign other than contractions) So she was telling me that she could see the head placement though my skin - and where it was - and then she could tell that his butt was up at the top of my belly. Almost as if he was laying upside-down diagonally. I couldn't see this as I can't see over my bellybutton. She said Oh it will be any day now. We should start weekly visits from this point on....it was far too real for me that i was pregnant and about to give birth to a baby boy and then be responsible for said baby until he is 18 - but then still feeling responsible for him as he gets older. So then she performs the teat - yeah it's not fun - but it's not painful - it's just the humbling experience of it all.

So...i will go weekly and she will check me weekly to see if I am dilated at all, and if I am - what I should do. lol Most likely go to the hospital.

it just seems like it all went so fast. Like just the other day I was telling you I was pregnant! lol At least I can say that I accomplished what I wanted - i wanted to be divorced before he came. and that happened.

It's just scary now. Now i am worried about after the birth and what you do. And if I will go through post-pardum badly. If I will be doing this alone. As I don't think I can deal with my mother being there everyday. She will want to be and I will go absolutely nuts. But who knows. Maybe Dad will be there and helpful...maybe not. I just don't like not knowing the certainty of what is happening afterwards. and for the first time, things are absolutely NOT in my hands.

So, it would be in 5 days, or 2 weeks - either way - Cam is coming...

3rd Trimester...

And so today begins my final journey of pregnancy.....

It started with getting my glucose test. Which if you've never had it, is a crap shoot on how fun it is. Well, really no fun to be had...but still. You drink this orange glucose mixture that tastes like flat orange pop. 10 oz down in 5 minutes. Then you sit there for an hour and then they draw your blood. The hour waiting is the not so fun part. See you don't have to fast, but you can't eat sugar before the test, so it's best to take it in the morning, before you've eaten anything. So...your stomach will be empty and then you will fill it with 10 of a thicker flat orange pop. Yeah...my stomach went up and down for a while - but I never got sick. Now, if you do get sick, you've ruined everything and have to go back and do it at a later time. lol So....try not to yack.

My sister came and sat with me while I waited, which was nice. An hour wait can be long if you aren't properly prepared.

Other baby news:

He kicks. I had the pleasure of him using my rib cage as a jungle gym. I am sure he wasn't swinging from them, but that is what it feels like.

At this point of your pregnancy you can't help but think about birth. Honestly, I am not too worried about that part. It's going to happen one of two ways, and as long as I don't feel anything, I am ok with either. I've been watching a lot of birthing shows and videos to get myself acclimated with what is eventually going to happen to me...some I should have never watched. Its amazing the things that intrigue you when you are pregnant and the things you think you want to witness.

What sorts of things, you ask?! Like a circumcision. Yeah, I was like, well what do they do? What is it like....TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, you are better off NOT knowing this. Just know that it's an option, and if you are going to do it, don't be there. lol OR WATCH. I am having it done to the boy, and I will apologize to him afterwards, however, I do not want to be in the room, or touch the scissors or help.....just do it, and give him to me so I can hold him and make him feel safe again!

My shower is coming up in a few weeks! I am really looking forward to this and starting to get all the things ready for the baby. Getting the crib - and bedding all set up. Lamps hung, pictures hung, and everything in it's place. What would be nice is to find a dresser - so I can put all my clothes in it! Right now they are all on the floor so I could make my closet into storage space!

I still can't imagine myself as a mom - or being responsible for a tiny human, and that freaks me out - but I am sure I will do it to the best of my ability! I hope my kid likes me and gets the best qualities that his dad and I have to offer him.

Still an eggplant for a couple more weeks...

New developments in this pregnancy are my belly button. lol It's quite interesting when you rub your belly and the sucker pops out. I have never seen my belly button this way. My innie was now an outtie - soon it will stay an outtie and I will probably be equally engrossed with it. I swear, this has probably been and continues to be the most interesting experience of my life!

Everything is weird and interesting at the same time. Like how overnight my appetite changed. I used to eat a banana every morning - and now, I need like 3 to make me semi-full.

I had my Dr. visit and she ensured me that the baby is not abnormally small. She said because I am petite that naturally I am not going to be HUGE. Every body is different. She did measure me and said that I measured right - therefore he measures right. She also said that she is hoping for a 6-7lb baby. No more. I have my anemia and glucose screening next Friday. Then 3 weeks after that, I have my last monthly check up. From that point I go every two weeks! Which is nuts! This are just going sooo fast. Not that I would want then to go slower, but, its amazing how fast the time really goes.

It's all so weird.

It's been a while...

So yeah....I've been...busy?! I don't even remember! So new baby developments....

I am 26 weeks tomorrow - which equals about 6.5 months. I am at the end of my second trimester. And I am not really showing.

I am sure those that are huge at 26 weeks wish they were me, but there is something about wanting to look pregnant. People tell you about all the people that will run up to you and touch your belly - well, that hasn't happened. I still get "You are pregnant!" - there is even more shock when I tell them how far long I am. I have a bump - and he is in there kicking - so I guess that is all that matters. The Dr. assures me its different for everyone and that I will eventually "pop" and look like all the other pregnant woman.

Some other fun things that are happening is that my shower is under way! Nov. 22nd! Which means I got to start registering for all the goodies that me and little Bon Jovi are going to need. This is challenging when you have NO CLUE what you need for a baby! So to cover my bases, I went through EACH category and picked whatever I could find and that was cute. The clothes are adorable and so are the shoes. The bedding was hard to pick out - but I don't have the money to create a personalized set of sheets and bedding that would be awesome! lol

Speaking on money - now is the time that it's really hitting me that I don't know how I am going to do all this. I don't make millions of dollars and I have the normal bills to pay! So when someone tells me that basic childcare runs about $160 a week - i want to throw up! I don't have that. How will I have that?! How can I do that, and get food and all the other wonderful things I am going to need. It's absolutely scares the crap out of me. I am sure I can MAKE it work. Although things will be tight, but that is just how it's going to have to be! eeak!

Another thing I am worried about is introducing the baby to my dog. He's rather hyper - which is my own doing - because I, myself, am a goofball! I just worry about balancing my time between then both. When he has to go out, do I take the baby with me? Even in the winter? I know I will figure it out. That when it comes down to it, I will be able to handle both - it's just one overwhelming thoughts, leads to another, no matter how rational or irrational it may seem.

What else can I bore you with.....

I bought a Prenatal Heart Listener the other day. You are supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat, hiccups and kicks. So far I haven't heard the heartbeat - just some gurgling and kicks! lol Which is funny.

I have another Dr's apt coming up. And then I have to go in again for my glucose screening - to see if I have gestational diabetes or anemia. I have a list of questions started to ask. Lots of questions about breastfeeding, and the pains I get when I lay on my side. Also about the size of my bump and if he is the right size.

Oh and names....I have it narrowed down. There are 2 names I am really starting to love. Middle names are hard - but there is one I'd really like to use. Still debating on whether a "K" name is the way to go, or if I want to venture off to whatever name I like. But the 2 I like are both "K" names. His initials would be "KRB" I will let you go ahead and start guessing if you want. There is only one person other than me that knows this name - and she is NOT allowed to guess! lol

Well I am going to plan my budget for next year and pass out when I am broke....until next time....Bon Jovi Out!

Soccer anyone?

I think this little guy is playing soccer or kickball with my insides. He is NON-STOP moving around like a crazy person! It's very odd to watch your belly bounce around like in those alien films. It's also neat at the same time - but still - Fa-reeeek-eeee.

I wonder what he thinks in there - like, "This place is way too small for me! Give me more space!" I have no clue. I can't imagine being in there. lol

Went for my monthly check up yesterday - still not showing like most people. With pants on - i just look normal - a little overweight but normal. But if i have maternity pants on - and a tighter shirt, you can see the little guy in there...well you can't see him, but you can see the tiny belly starting to form.

How weird would it be if out stomachs turned transparent during pregnancy! That would actually be kind of cool!

Also, while waiting to be called, I can up with a very good invention. A self collecting urine specimen toilet. It would save us ladies on having to hold that cup. Ugh! I go back in 3 weeks again. I have to get the regular check up and then get tested diabetes, anemia, and something else. I will then be in my 6th week. I wonder if I will have a big belly by then!?

Tiny Scares...

OR BIG ONES! I freak out!

Last night around 5 am dad and I were startled at the sight of blood on the sheets. While I only saw a large patch of pinkish blood - dad noticed darker and calmly told me to go to the bathroom and clean up and he'd take me to the emergency room. I couldn't bring myself to look at the sheets. I would have gone nuts.

We got ready and headed to the nearest ER and luckily - no one was waiting in there. She was asking me what brought me there and as soon as I said, I am pregnant and there is spotting, her mode changed. It was how far long are you - which is 20 weeks to the day actually - and then called upstairs. She said "well that is right on the borderline." I, already shaking and nervous looks over at the dad and gave him the look that said, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT?!"

I get into the wheelchair and wait. I'd never been in a wheelchair. It was sort of relaxing to be pushed around. We, well baby and I, rode upstairs and were greeted by 2 nurses who told me to change - one told me to fill out paperwork - they are very demanding. lol So I changed my clothes and sat in a chair while dad filled out paperwork. The started out by looking for the babies heartbeat.

This seemed to take an hour - the longest hour ever - and no heartbeat. She called in another nurse to try and still, she could not get the heartbeat. They started to look at charts and the nurse was like, "She's only 12 weeks." I was like, YOU ARE A MORON...in my head and then said, "I just went to the doctors and she told me that was my due date, that I was 20 weeks and I just found out I was having a boy!" (dad said i was mean...but seriously, learn how to read the thing!) Another nurse said, "well you haven't been to the Dr's?" Which I snapped and said, "Yes I have." (I mean I get that I look young - and that she was judging me and thinking I was some 18 yr old irresponsible kid - but she had no right to get the attitude....lol Well maybe she had it because I had it.)

So I sit there in a panic thinking about how many people might be happy about this - but it would completely devastate me. Then I started thinking about the fact that it would devastate me and how attached to the little bugger I am. I was thinking about how I didn't take my vitamin last night, and that maybe I didn't drink enough water. About how I killed my baby! Which dad kept telling me that is has nothing to do with what I did. Finally they switched to a Doppler and about 5 minutes later there was the sound. She listened to it and I just tried to memorize it. I was never happier to hear that sound. She told me the rate was 156 - and all my panic went out the window. Only because whenever I've had an ultrasound or listen to at the Dr.'s office, that is exactly where it was. So I started to calm. They hooked me up to a contraction monitor, and dad and I were left in the room. He does a fantastic job of keeping my mind on lighter things...and did a great job at making me laugh. Taking about his kidney stones and all the pain he was in. lol Not that I was happy he was in pain, but his facial expressions were priceless.

Nurse came back in and asked me to pee in a cup - which I did. Which, seriously, someone come up with a better way to do this so it's not so messy! When I wiped there was still a small tingle of blood. I sat back down and an on-staff OB came in to check me out. She explained (how fantastic!) what could be causing it. How sometimes there are polyps that form that can burst or with all the hormones, how blood vessels can break in the cervix, which isn't a "bad" thing. But what she most wanted to check for is that blood wasn't flowing and that it wasn't coming from further up. So I get the exam - and she didn't see any polyps, no flowing blood. YAY! So she said most likely because of the thinning lining of the cervix, i just broke a blood vessel. She just told me to rest this weekend, make an appointment next week to see my Doctor and if I start bleeding again, to get myself up to the hospital again.

They led me back to the chair - and the nurse - a new one - a NICE one - wanted to hear the heartbeat again. So she found it...right away...and just left it there again for about 3 minutes. 3 minutes really does seem like a long time...and said everything sounds great!

We left, I came home, called family to let them know - and then passed out in the chair after eating 2 large bowls of lucky charms. lol I woke up and I had a "dead rabbit" laying next to me. Moomer (my dog) must have put in up there while I was sleeping. He gave me his toy so I would feel better! How cute is he?!

Anyway - I think I learned that whipping yourself into a panic isn't always the best thing....and also...this is from dad...they are there to help me...I need to try and not get an attitude. This is hard for me, at least lately. Otherwise, I am like a breath of fresh air on a cool fall sunshiney morning! lol That is my opinion anyway. lol