Food.

One of the cutest things is that The Bump has a chart to tell you how big your baby is week by week by comparing it to food. As I am about nine weeks now, it's is the size of an olive. Aunt Kate will be so proud! (she loves olives.) Maybe I should name the baby Olivia if it's a girl or Oliver if it's a boy! lol

Here is the chart link

small freak outs and good times.

What should I start with? The small freak out? Sure, it's probably more entertaining.

The freak out: I have been extremely confident lately. Like a lion - I walk proudly with my head high thinking "I can do this! I am in charge of my life! I don't need any one's help! I got this! I will conquer this! I have this in the bag!" Then as I round my corer of this crazy jungle I see a mouse. Freak OUT and start thinking, "What am I thinking?! I can't do this! I don't have thousands of dollars! I can't afford a kid? How will I get them into college? How will I feed them?!"

I tell myself as long as I am not freaking out more than once a week, I am good! lol Not that I should be freaking out - but it's hard not to. What is nice though is that I had someone with me to helped me though it. Which leads me to my good times.

Good Times: This past weekend I spent a fair amount of time with this little blueberry's father. He told me that he was just as scared as I was. To which I replied that I wasn't scared - at the time I was a lion. We talked openly about it for a few hours and have been ever since. It's nice to not feel like it's something that can't be talked about. When I get my "morning sickness" he rubs my belly, or asks if he can get me water. And even if it's for a short time, I am thankful that when I am in my "not-so-fun" moments, he is there to help me though.

We talked about the 8th - when we hear if there is a heartbeat - and he is going to go with me. This makes me feel a whole lot better. However, it also makes me very anxious about the 8th getting here. And all the other days that have to come and go before it does get here. I just want to know what is happening. If the real "freak out" should begin or if there is nothing left to freak about.

I should end with I don't like these freak outs. They are just a waste of time and energy. And once the mind starts going, it's hard to get it to stop. I had a friend tell me about an exercise to try to get your mind out of that rut. To pay attention to what is happening now. So if I were to start freaking out - I would tell my mind to focus on my typing. How the keys feel when I hit them. How the letters skid across the screen as I type them. It actually works to calm you down a little. Yeah I don't have thousands of dollars to send my kids off to college - but college is a long way off. And what I should be more concerned about is staying healthy so that there is a kid some 19 years from now that wants to go to college. Or better yet, baby names! LOL Wait, maybe it's too early for that too. lol Even though Bon Jovi is at the top of my list.

cramps

Well, when you are pregnant you still get cramps - just because things are moving around - your uterus is getting bigger. LOL I just said uterus. Anyway - last night was the first night I woke up in excruciating pain. It was cramps times 10. It felt like something was being pulled away from my inside skin. (hey, I've never claimed to be a doctor or know parts)

Anyway I got up and went to the bathroom to check for blood - i was actually concerned. Weird. But there wasn't any - but I had to pee really bad. So I went - and walked back to the couch and went back to sleep - but couldn't get comfortable. Seemed like whenever I stretched out it hurt - so I slept in the fetal position for the rest of the night.

I actually dreamt that there was blood everywhere! And woke up in a panic. I believe there is part of me that has grown fond of the idea of having a baby. There is still a large part that is very scared - but I find myself being extremely anxious for the 8th to roll around to find out if there is a heartbeat or not. I find myself wanting to tell my parents before the 8th that a human being could be taking up residency in my womb for the next 7 months. LOL I said womb.

Who would have though a few months ago, when I went to Hocking Hills, that I would have come home with extra baggage. I was just going to see trees and waterfalls and nature. Not bring back a baby. I think it's funny how things work out. Then I get a little frustrated about how things worked out, and then I think about every one's faces the day this baby is born - and it makes it all worth it. It's going to be one cute kid, let me tell you!

Things I have read in pamphlets.

That I may have a desire to eat nonfood items! clay, laundry starch, ice - which last time i checked was ok. Um, please, for the love of God, if someone sees me going for the clay - stop me!

On Crying Babies: "Do you know who you left your baby with? Have you seen this person interact with your baby before? Did you tell this person not to shake your baby" - I don't know - just seems like common sense to not shake anything tiny.

I will add to this as I find things.

Nurse Visit

LOL - So I walk in - nervously. Give my information - wait for the nurse. I am greeted by an older woman who first congratulates me on my pregnancy. Usually my response to this is something from the caveman era "muhm". We get to the room and we sit and no joking, the first thing out of her mouth is, "are you planning on breastfeeding?" I started laughing hysterically. I said, "I have no idea! I am getting used to the fact that I may be pregnant! I haven't thought about breastfeeding!" Boobs. I look over and there is a photo of a boob in a baby - and I was like, this is new! lol

She got out a kit that has breastfeeding stuff in it and reading materials. oooh free stuff. But weird free stuff. I am used to free pens, free magnets, free notepads. Not free baby formula or free bottles, and journals, and travel kits for when you venture to the hospital and spit the watermelon out of the worm hole. (that is what it seems like right now.)

So she goes through the list of illnesses and crazy diseases that I or family members may have. I gave her I don't think so - how do I know. WHAT IF I HAVE THAT! LMAO - not really! lol She then went though a list of blood tests to have done and some you could add on. Down Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, and something else. Which scared me, so I ignored them. She started going on and on about what I should eat and drink and what I shouldn't eat. What I can do as far as activities - run no more than 2 miles and a slower pace, ride a bike, work out at the gym. But I am NOT, repeat, NOT allowed to jump on a trampoline. I asked. She said no, I was sad.

It was a good chat - we talked about stress and what I was going though. What my thoughts were and how completely normal they are. That it's completely bad timing - I laughed when she said this as well. I told her how i have been having sex since I was 17 years old. And while I can count the people I've slept with on one hand - I have never taken birth control and never really used it. LOL And I haven't been pregnant since. She was amazed. I said NOW, this is the time that was chosen for me, under these circumstances. Yeah - stressful. But overall, she claims I will get over the stress once people know, and I hear the heartbeat. Only because I asked her, "How do I know I am really pregnant and it's not just a lump sitting there with no heartbeat?". Classy.

After the chat she handed me all my goodies and handed me a lab sheet and told me to have a good day. I asked her when I get the lab work done. Simple question. "Today, it's right downstairs." Ugh............

So by now I have traveled in an elevator twice - which I hate - but am finding that it's not so scary. Actually, I would much rather travel in that, that be as stressed as I am. I get to the lab - where the lady had very long fingernails. VERY LONG - and I couldn't help but stare at them while she was typing. I tell her that I hope I don't pass out, since I haven't eaten. She doesn't laugh - and i go wait for the nurse to call me back. I get called, go back, sit down, and she starts pulling the tubes - there are like 5 or 7 of them. I am like holy hell, do you need that much! I need it, don't take it! So she starts and she asks me if I am excited - which I tell her not yet. That it was unplanned. She said that is how she got her son. She also asked if the father was going to be there or if I was doing it alone. Which I informed her that since I told the dad, he's been non-existent, so chances are alone. She said that her kids dad left when he was 2 months. (which makes me sad) I just told her that in a perfect world I would prefer to be with the dad and have him excited about it! She said, that is what everyone wants. Then she said, don't worry you can do it! If I can do it, and I am 23, you can do it!

I guess I have come to agree with people that I CAN do this alone - and be fine. I am just not ready to be excited. I think once I hear that heartbeat, everything will change. I think when I know for sure that he or she is alive and kicking in there - and i can tell my parents - and be done with that part of it all....it will be a million times more enjoyable. This is, of course, my hope.

Father's Day

So Father's day was good. I didn't spill the beans, since it would be more like I shoved hot pokers into my parents eyes. I am waiting until my 2nd doctors appointment - when I meet with the doctor. I have one on Tuesday - and I am hoping that there is some more of test or something to tell me that I am 100% pregnant. Yes, there is a tinge of denial still in my being.

So until then, when I will have more news....carry on.

OH and one funny comment that was made about me at a party was "How is she losing all that weight and but not in her boobs?" LOL People are funny.

Decision Unmade.

Remember when I said I was telling people this weekend. I'm waiting until after the 8th. Yeah...I am a chicken.

Things to do while pregnant.

So I think one thing you should do while you are pregnant is try and buy a car. It will be so much fun! You will go through such a wide range of emotions that you could play "Emotion Bingo". Had I known this prior to shopping for cars, it probably would have been much more amusing!

Happy - check

Sad - check

Annoyed - check

Frustrated - check

Hot - check

Hungry - check

Angry - check

Indifferent - check

Silly - check

Shear Rage - check

Giddy - check

Cold - check

Panicky - check

Devastated - check

Glad - check

Disappointed - Check

Complete Punch-faceyness check

you get the point.

Well I had a bad morning today with feeling sick. As long as I was laying down I felt fine, but movement wasn't all that great. Plus my mind had started again and I needed it to just stop! Around 1 I felt ok enough to try and accomplish some small tasks. I wanted fresh air so I thought to myself, "just drive around town and through some dealerships and look and see what they have."

Seems simple. Good Lord! I like to think I am a fairly easy person to work with. I tell you what I want and you, as a salesman, make it happen. Seems easy enough.

Salesman #1: We'll call him Douchebag #1. I give him my shpeal on what I am looking for - what I need - what I want. He takes me inside and says, I may have some cars in that range. And starts rattling off cars and prices. Then stares at me. So I stare back and say, "well could you show me these cars?" So we head outside and look at cars. LINCOLN - A LINCOLN. Now if you drive a Lincoln chances are you are taller than 5'3". This car had the plastic wood interior - i was looking for something - I don't know - more...younger looking. I don't know. Anyway - the car was bigger than 8 of me, so I asked to see something a bit smaller. So he showed me a few cars one I liked was a Pontiac G6 and the other was a Chevy Cobalt. But then I started to notice something. That every car that we weren't looking at he would point at and would say "You can't afford that. And you definitely can't afford that! That is NOT in your price range" After looking at all the cars I nicely thanked him and said I will look around some more and come back if I don't find anything. (lol)

Salesman #2 : Nice guy, showed me around to all the cars in my price range. Again, another Pontiac G6. 2 actually - sharp looking - He also shows me a Chevy Malibu. Um, they have movable pedals! So I don't have to move the seat so close, I can move the pedals close, so I can look like a normal person in a car. So I look - and tell the salesman nicely that I am going to continue my search and that I really liked those 2 cars, and I would be back after what I found.

It's hot out! So I decide to get some water and a snack in case I got hungry.

Salesman # 3: We will call him, Mr. Non-existent. First time EVER, I walked into a car lot without someone jumping on my back trying to sell me a car. There were 3 or 4 that I would have been interested in seeing, however they didn't list their prices and they didn't come out to talk to me...so I left.

Salesman #4: we'll call him "Mr. Roper" because he was as old as dirt. Same shpeal. Pulls out his trusty papers and starts showing me the crappiest cars in the lot. "Well we really don't have a lot to work with here. $200 is sort of a lower end car." At this point - I am annoyed and I just said, I don't see what I like. I said so far there is a Pontiac G6 that I really like and so far that is what I am going with. Something I never wish I would have said. I can never get those 10 minutes back. EVER. He started on some rant about Pontiac - and it started with a whisper that reminded me of clip of Spencer that The Soup always shows, "That's the problem". The guy started going on and on about how Pontiac is falling and the price is declining and it's a horrible investment. I wonder if he noticed I wasn't listening after about 3 minutes. I left.

Salesman #5: We'll call him, "The Talker". This guy would have talked up a bicycle with no wheels if he thought I would buy it. He showed me a few Saturns - which I am not a fan of - and a Colbalt - which was white. At this point I have become extremely picky. It was white. I mentioned the G6 - to which he showed me 2 red ones that weren't ready - but they would be in a week or so. But they were red. - I drive a bright car right now, I don't want to stand out anymore! So I get in my car to leave -and he asks me about the weather in the south. To which he started going on and on about what sort of weather would be his perfect weather! Nothing colder than 60 and nothing warmer than 80 - I don't know where this place exists and i really don't care. But he had to tell me about it.

It's hot out. I am tired of people trying to sell me something. I want to meet a person that will just have the car i want and the price I want and sell it to me. Is THIS SO WRONG!!!!

Salesman #6: I don't think I can type on here what I should call him. So I will abbreviate it. "Mr. Arrogant MFer" Yes...you can tell at this point, I should have just drove home and went to bed. But I decided that they had a bunch of used cars and well, there were some that may have potential. Soon I would know, NEVER GO TO THIS DEALERSHIP! I wasn't even out of my car when I was hopped on. I mention I am looking for a car USED and around $200 a month. His reply "ok, SO NEW OR USED for $200 to $250-$300 a month." I just stared at him and said, $200. Well but you'd get a new car if it was a little over that says $250. I said "No. If you want me to walk out of here with a car, $200. " "Well," he says, "let's go inside and look at where we are at." He ran my credit report before even showing me a car! I am annoyed at this point. So I sit there and wait. He comes back and says "While he's working on that, let me show you some cars" So we go out and I notice we aren't in the used lot. He is showing me new car after new car - I am starting to get angered. I ask "when are we going to look at the used cars?" "Well, that is what I was telling you earlier. I can get you financed for a new car, way easier than I can get you financed for a used one. Most people won't even finance a used car." I am irate that this point. WTF is he talking about. I was going to get financed just fine by the 5 other duchebags I just met with, so obviously he sucks. So he is walking by all these cars (that have no sticker prices) and is obviously not enthused about selling me a car in their used lot. So much that he turns and says "I am going to go inside and look at your paperwork, you can walk around out here and see if you like anything." I am like, "ugh, ok..." Mr. Arrogant MFer walks away and I start looking at this lot filled with cars. Well, I don't know what I am looking at because half the cars don't have info on them, and all of them don't have prices on them. So I don't know if I should even be looking at them. I see a G6 and a Cobalt - but at this point, I am so hot, and so bitchy, I don't have the patience to deal with this ass. So I start to walk towards the building to where I am being greeted by another salesman. I tell him that I am already being helped just waiting. I say, "I am waiting for him as long as it take me to get in my car. If he isn't out by the time I am in my car, I am leaving." He doesn't like this, so he starts stalling me. Then he realizes that I am pissed and goes inside and gets he salesman. He comes out and starts walking towards the G6. I said, "I don't see anything that really jumps out at me. You have a G6, but the other one was in better shape and had more features and was in my price range." He was like really. I mentioned that I don't think this car is in my price range - as he never told me the price or showed me the car earlier. I am more than pissed right now. He says well lets get you in it and drive it. At this point. I DON"T WANT TO DRIVE IT. But I try to relax and think...i might as well test drive it to save me a trip if I don't like it.

I shouldn't have drove it. I loved it. smooth, quiet, and then the thought popped into my head..."How do I get out of here and back over to the other dealership?" So I drove back - and said well I am going to go back over to the other place and see what the other car had, compare prices and the other one is the color I like and has a sunroof - so I will just go back there. Then the shear anger and the complete punchfaceyness kicked in. He started in about how I don't know what the price of their car was, so how do I know it's cheaper shpeal. I just stared at him. I said, "I am sure no matter what I tell you the price of the other car is, this car is cheaper." Nothing like realizing he is going to rip me of no matter what! "If I sell you this car cheaper than that car, will you take it?" So I say, "SURE!" I just want the hell out of there. So I have to go inside and sit while he talks to his "manager" which at this point, I am sure it's a brick wall. He says, "well i will see you back in a few minutes..." I stood up and headed for the door, not before saying, "what. a complete. doucebag..."

It's hot, I am tired of dealerships, I just want a car.

Back to 2nd dealership and salesman: I am not sure I can describe this correctly to get the response it should. So I walk into the dealership and there are 4 gentlemen standing around. One is going to file some papers, one is eating some sort of meat bagel, the other one is standing there, and my guy has the keys to the the G6 ready in his hands. I walk in and say "ITS HOT OUT! I JUST GOT BACK FROM "insert dealership here" AND I WANT TO OFF MYSELF!" then I flung myself over a chair. (oh it was a dramatic entrance!) The guy dropped his papers, the other guy grabbed his head, one guy was like, "oooooohhhhhhhhhh" and the other guy just shouted, "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!". It was the comedy I needed after the day I just put myself through. They started in about how awful they are and what they do to people. I said, "I am supposed to get a quote from you on the G6 and take it back and they are going to sell me their cheaper. I don't want theirs, I want yours, so let's do this." I test drove the 2008, loved it. Came back - debated on the 2005 and then decided and proceeded. At 6pm I finally left there without a car. Disappointment set in. I got back tomorrow to finalize everything - and bring that baby home. I am very excited. Well not right now, I am exhausted. But tomorrow, I will be excited.

The moral of the story: 1) Don't want until last minute to get a car when you know you are going to need one in the future. 2) never go to #6 dealership - I don't want to be a jerk and give out their name. But ask me and I will tell you! 3) Don't want around to be treated like crap! Just leave. 4) if you are pregnant and bored and have yet to feel the range of hormonal emotions that kick in - go shopping for a car and hit at least 7 dealerships. It's fun.

a day.

I woke up and felt sick . I am tired. I am cranky. I feel sick, get up. Lay back down, fall asleep for a bit. Wake up, again. Feel sick, again. Lay back down, again.

I took my dog out for his morning pee and while I was standing there I became oddly aware of the birds around me. There was a Robin in the tree trying to hide from the raindrops that the wind made fall. And then I looked over and a hummingbird was floating next to me. It stayed there for about 30 seconds. Just floating above the bushes. I looked at the window and there was nothing red or brightly colored for it to be attracted to. So I just watched it until it darted away. They sparrows were flying to the ground and then up to the tree again and then the crow started in. It was odd. So while in this normal state - being one with the wet nature that was around me -my mind kicked in

"Who is going to watch my dog when I give birth?"

This is not something I need to be worrying about right now!

All the people that I would trust to watch my dog, I was like, well won't they be at the hospital? For some reason I picture everyone I know at the hospital - I am sure it's not going to be that way. Honestly, when I have thought about being pregnant before (like a few years ago, when I was married) I didn't want anyone there. Not his family (they're psycho - hence the reason of getting the hell out of dodge), not my family, heck I didn't even want him in the room. lol Now, there are KEY people that I want around me.

Why am I still thinking about this...not important right now!

I wish I had pancakes. Those sound good right now. I am not at work, which is feeling great - I might just take the rest of the day off to relax - for once. Go outside - become one with nature again. lol How does one become one with nature? Well I am not getting nude or anything!

"ugh - I don't want to go to the OB-GYN!"

Decision Made.

So after a wonderful chat with friends I have made a few choices. While it feels wonderful to make decisions - it also doesn't change the fact that I am scared out of my mind. (like any normal person is this situation would feel)

I find myself singing "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna. lol " but I've made up my mind, I'm keepin' my baby..."

I am going to have this child - because I know what decisions I can and cannot live with. I know that I couldn't deal with aborting a child, nor could I give the child away after carrying it for 9 months. I can do this!

I have also decided that this weekend I will be telling my parents that I am "possibly" pregnant. lol I know - but I still have the thoughts that maybe the doctor was wrong. There is starting to be a little part of me that hopes I am - just because I am starting to get used to the idea. Not sure if this is a bad feeling or a good feeling. I don't want to be disappointed.

I don't know how I am going to do it, but I am - and I will be ready for what they throw at me, hopefully they are more words and not objects. lol I know they'll be disappointed in me, which just feels awful - but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I feel bad that I won't be telling the dad's mother - because I think they have a right to know - but that is for him to worry about. He wanted to wait until I had my ultrasound - which is in July. I however have another Dr.'s Apt in a few days - and I am hoping they will be able to tell me something then. Some sort of - "Yes, there is a baby in there and Yes, it's alive and well."

I hope I don't chicken out. lol

What I am dealing with now...

There are probably a handful of people that know I am pregnant. And I always find joy (yes, there are times when you actually feel joy) in talking about it. They always ask, "how you are feeling?" I always laugh when I am replying because it's weird, annoying, scary, did I mention weird!?

The first thing is your boobs hurt. And I don't mean they are a little sore...they hurt. "You may be a pregnant woman if..." when removing our bra makes you want to bite on some barbed wire! They hurt. I am sure it's different for everyone - but they hurt.

Secondly, peeing is interesting. I don't pee all that much. I pee when I get up, get home from work, and before I go to bed. I don't drink a lot. But I did notice that I pee all the time. I look at water and I have to pee. How does something the size of a poppy seed or the size of a pumpkin seed can make you pee 3 times more a day, is beyond me!

Morning sickness - well that is just a peach isn't it. You know those mothers who love morning sickness because it's part of being pregnant and the wonderful miracle growing inside of them. They can kiss it. It's not fun! There is nothing fun about it. Who wants to sleep like a baby and wake up and feel like they were on the same spinning roller coaster all day long?! I don't know. I don't love that feeling. It's not a FUN feeling. I would much rather sleep like a baby, wake up and feel fine.

Dizziness. Ugh - this isn't fun either. No one likes to be dizzy, unless you are a kid.

Sleepiness. This is the worst for me. I am tired all the time. I will be sitting at work and it will just hit me! Like I slammed into a brick wall at 100 mph. I sleep - which is a nice change - but I am tired all the time.

I know it sounds like I complain a lot - lol - I do....but it's just change! While I am left with dealing with a growing child - and the changes my body is growing though, others involved are living their life - as if it never happened. That is probably the hardest thing to deal with.

Secrets...

When you are hiding something as big and a new life from people you care about - it's very hard. At this point I am not eating - the stress is getting to me so bad. Mind you I have those days when I feel normal - where I can not have thoughts - but a majority of the time, you are thinking about it.

I received a call from my step mother claiming that she thought I was pregnant and that I need to come talk to them and not keep it a secret. I immediately called my sister and started yelling at her for telling them! She didn't - they just came to the conclusion on their own - so I denied it with everything I had. I had to reach into my bag of tricks from High School! Which is about how old I feel. Like I am 17 years old and hiding something from my parents - only it was that I was drinking or tried to smoke pot. I denied it on everything I had - and haven't spoke with them since.

I'll just avoid them - I figure it seems like the smart thing to do. (at this time, it seems smart)

But the more I think about how I have to hide pregnancy books, journals, and vitamins in a box next to my bed, the more I feel like I am losing my mind. I probably am.

What to do...

It never shuts off. It's constantly running! Especially when you are thinking about how this is going to change you and your life. Somewhat like a tree. You have one thought that leads to another that leads to another until at some point, there are so many thoughts you break down and nothing makes sense anymore. Something like this:

"Maybe I am not really pregnant"
"But the doctor said I was pregnant so I must be"
"How do you even hold a baby?"
"My boobs are already massive, they're going to get bigger?"
"What if they stay bigger? Can I afford plastic surgery"
"Can I afford diapers and baby food?"
"How much is baby food?"
"What do they eat baby food?"
"What am I going to name this thing?"
"Where is the dad?"
"Why isn't he calling me?"
"What am I going to do?"
"Maybe I shouldn't have this baby!"
"Maybe I should just do the quick and dirty!"
"No I can't do that, I wouldn't forgive myself"
"Maybe I could forgive myself!"
"I Can't do this alone!"
"Why the hell didn't I just use a damn condom!"
"At least it was good" lol
"What if I don't drink enough!"
"Is there something I am supposed to be doing right now!?"
"Am I really having a baby?"
"I need to clean the house."
"I need to stop thinking!"
"I need a cigarette!"
"I can't have a cigarette!"
"I can't jump on a trampoline!"
"I can't smoke crack!" (I don't really smoke crack - i just started listing all the things they tell a new mother to be NOT TO DO!)
"How am I going to tell my parents?"
"How am I going to tell his parents?"

Honestly - I could go on and on....for days! Well it does go on and on for days....until you finally come to some sort of conclusions as to what you are going to do. It doesn't help when people think they know what YOU should do and tell you all the time. I have come to find that YOU have to live with your decision, nobody else. I have a decision to make and I will make the right choice for me.

Doctors Visit

So I got into the doctors right away! I wanted to know right away if what I was being told by sticks was true. I mean, really, how smart is a stick?

I waiting in the room for them to call my name. The nurse came to get me - gave me the rules for peeing in a cup and then left me to do my business. I peed and waited in the room for the nurse to tell me what I needed to know.

She walks in with a big smile on her face - so if course I am thinking - "phew! I am not pregnant!" - it's what a normal person would think, right?! WRONG. She smiles and says, "you are pregnant! Congratulations! Are you excited!?" I blankly stared at her and said "I don't know." she asked me something about it being planned and I said "very much not planned." So she left the room - in which I said a few choice words to myself. This would be the start of everyone assuming just because you are over 25 - you are happy when you are pregnant. I am sure if I was 16 and she told me, she never would have even asked me a damn question about it or made one happy comment.

The doctor came in - prescribed me prenatal vitamins - and again went on and on about "how exciting it is..." and "are I excited?" Again, to which I replied, "I don't know." I mentioned that it was a complete surprise to which she made a snarling comment " well you are keeping it aren't you?!" I was still too much in shock to come up with something sarcastic and witty to reply. I could have said - yes, I am going to eat it, or now I thought I would sell it on the black market - babies are worth a lot! But I couldn't think straight.

I called Kate and my sister and told them the findings and how i thought the dad would be there and he wasn't.

Telling the father...

Well, so I went all day playing it all in my head on what I would do. Who I would tell. I talked to my sister right away and threw it all out there. We were not in agreement as far as who I should tell when - but I knew I had to tell the dad and I had no clue how. He is already a father of 3 BEAUTIFUL children - and one more would kill him.

So I freaked out all day. Cried, drove around, smoked, drove around, until late that evening I ended up at his house and asked him to go for a walk. At least where we walk is peaceful. So, I said "what is the worst possible thing that could happen to us right now?" If it was light out, I am sure he would have went pale. I bet he was. We walked, sat, and talked a little but it was mostly silent, except for the sound of me rambling on and on a mile a minute. Eventually we decided to wait to tell people until we knew for sure.

How it happened....

Ok, well I don't need to go into details on "how" it happened. Other than, it was a whim of a decision to go on a small trip and damn that best western and their awesome room! lol Still, that day, never would have thought it would have led to this.... (that is what happens when you don't think and just "do")

From the time we got back until about 4 weeks later - i was bombarded by family telling me to be careful or I was going to be pregnant. I laughed it off, because honestly, I thought I wasn't able to have kids. I was with my ex-husband for 7 years and it never happened.

One fine day, while walking though the grocery store with my good friend, Kate, I decided to put everyone at ease and buy a damn test and pee on it. (Who knew you would end up purchasing something for $13 and end up peeing on it and throwing it away. lol)

I peed - I waited - 1 minute later - I wasn't sure what I was looking at. "Is that a plus sign? I can't tell." So I did what any normal person would do! Call Kate. I don't remember what I said to her, I just remember her saying "I'll be right there..."

So she looked - and said I think that is a plus - so I did it again - and it was a plus - so then I peed on the digital one (which I recommend getting in the first place.) and it failed - I didn't have enough urine.

So i paced - laughed - freaked - paced - made a joke - laughed - kate made a joke - called her an asshole - freaked out.

There was only one thing left to do - go buy more tests! I bought 2 more digitals - peed on them both - and without even waiting 2 mintues - it popped up "PREGNANT". I did what any normal person would do...waiting for the "NOT" to appear before the "PREGNANT". It never did.

5 tests (at different times) and a doctors visit - it was confirmed. "You are with child! Aren't you excited!?"