small freak outs and good times.

What should I start with? The small freak out? Sure, it's probably more entertaining.

The freak out: I have been extremely confident lately. Like a lion - I walk proudly with my head high thinking "I can do this! I am in charge of my life! I don't need any one's help! I got this! I will conquer this! I have this in the bag!" Then as I round my corer of this crazy jungle I see a mouse. Freak OUT and start thinking, "What am I thinking?! I can't do this! I don't have thousands of dollars! I can't afford a kid? How will I get them into college? How will I feed them?!"

I tell myself as long as I am not freaking out more than once a week, I am good! lol Not that I should be freaking out - but it's hard not to. What is nice though is that I had someone with me to helped me though it. Which leads me to my good times.

Good Times: This past weekend I spent a fair amount of time with this little blueberry's father. He told me that he was just as scared as I was. To which I replied that I wasn't scared - at the time I was a lion. We talked openly about it for a few hours and have been ever since. It's nice to not feel like it's something that can't be talked about. When I get my "morning sickness" he rubs my belly, or asks if he can get me water. And even if it's for a short time, I am thankful that when I am in my "not-so-fun" moments, he is there to help me though.

We talked about the 8th - when we hear if there is a heartbeat - and he is going to go with me. This makes me feel a whole lot better. However, it also makes me very anxious about the 8th getting here. And all the other days that have to come and go before it does get here. I just want to know what is happening. If the real "freak out" should begin or if there is nothing left to freak about.

I should end with I don't like these freak outs. They are just a waste of time and energy. And once the mind starts going, it's hard to get it to stop. I had a friend tell me about an exercise to try to get your mind out of that rut. To pay attention to what is happening now. So if I were to start freaking out - I would tell my mind to focus on my typing. How the keys feel when I hit them. How the letters skid across the screen as I type them. It actually works to calm you down a little. Yeah I don't have thousands of dollars to send my kids off to college - but college is a long way off. And what I should be more concerned about is staying healthy so that there is a kid some 19 years from now that wants to go to college. Or better yet, baby names! LOL Wait, maybe it's too early for that too. lol Even though Bon Jovi is at the top of my list.