3rd Trimester...

And so today begins my final journey of pregnancy.....

It started with getting my glucose test. Which if you've never had it, is a crap shoot on how fun it is. Well, really no fun to be had...but still. You drink this orange glucose mixture that tastes like flat orange pop. 10 oz down in 5 minutes. Then you sit there for an hour and then they draw your blood. The hour waiting is the not so fun part. See you don't have to fast, but you can't eat sugar before the test, so it's best to take it in the morning, before you've eaten anything. So...your stomach will be empty and then you will fill it with 10 of a thicker flat orange pop. Yeah...my stomach went up and down for a while - but I never got sick. Now, if you do get sick, you've ruined everything and have to go back and do it at a later time. lol So....try not to yack.

My sister came and sat with me while I waited, which was nice. An hour wait can be long if you aren't properly prepared.

Other baby news:

He kicks. I had the pleasure of him using my rib cage as a jungle gym. I am sure he wasn't swinging from them, but that is what it feels like.

At this point of your pregnancy you can't help but think about birth. Honestly, I am not too worried about that part. It's going to happen one of two ways, and as long as I don't feel anything, I am ok with either. I've been watching a lot of birthing shows and videos to get myself acclimated with what is eventually going to happen to me...some I should have never watched. Its amazing the things that intrigue you when you are pregnant and the things you think you want to witness.

What sorts of things, you ask?! Like a circumcision. Yeah, I was like, well what do they do? What is it like....TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, you are better off NOT knowing this. Just know that it's an option, and if you are going to do it, don't be there. lol OR WATCH. I am having it done to the boy, and I will apologize to him afterwards, however, I do not want to be in the room, or touch the scissors or help.....just do it, and give him to me so I can hold him and make him feel safe again!

My shower is coming up in a few weeks! I am really looking forward to this and starting to get all the things ready for the baby. Getting the crib - and bedding all set up. Lamps hung, pictures hung, and everything in it's place. What would be nice is to find a dresser - so I can put all my clothes in it! Right now they are all on the floor so I could make my closet into storage space!

I still can't imagine myself as a mom - or being responsible for a tiny human, and that freaks me out - but I am sure I will do it to the best of my ability! I hope my kid likes me and gets the best qualities that his dad and I have to offer him.

Still an eggplant for a couple more weeks...

New developments in this pregnancy are my belly button. lol It's quite interesting when you rub your belly and the sucker pops out. I have never seen my belly button this way. My innie was now an outtie - soon it will stay an outtie and I will probably be equally engrossed with it. I swear, this has probably been and continues to be the most interesting experience of my life!

Everything is weird and interesting at the same time. Like how overnight my appetite changed. I used to eat a banana every morning - and now, I need like 3 to make me semi-full.

I had my Dr. visit and she ensured me that the baby is not abnormally small. She said because I am petite that naturally I am not going to be HUGE. Every body is different. She did measure me and said that I measured right - therefore he measures right. She also said that she is hoping for a 6-7lb baby. No more. I have my anemia and glucose screening next Friday. Then 3 weeks after that, I have my last monthly check up. From that point I go every two weeks! Which is nuts! This are just going sooo fast. Not that I would want then to go slower, but, its amazing how fast the time really goes.

It's all so weird.

It's been a while...

So yeah....I've been...busy?! I don't even remember! So new baby developments....

I am 26 weeks tomorrow - which equals about 6.5 months. I am at the end of my second trimester. And I am not really showing.

I am sure those that are huge at 26 weeks wish they were me, but there is something about wanting to look pregnant. People tell you about all the people that will run up to you and touch your belly - well, that hasn't happened. I still get "You are pregnant!" - there is even more shock when I tell them how far long I am. I have a bump - and he is in there kicking - so I guess that is all that matters. The Dr. assures me its different for everyone and that I will eventually "pop" and look like all the other pregnant woman.

Some other fun things that are happening is that my shower is under way! Nov. 22nd! Which means I got to start registering for all the goodies that me and little Bon Jovi are going to need. This is challenging when you have NO CLUE what you need for a baby! So to cover my bases, I went through EACH category and picked whatever I could find and that was cute. The clothes are adorable and so are the shoes. The bedding was hard to pick out - but I don't have the money to create a personalized set of sheets and bedding that would be awesome! lol

Speaking on money - now is the time that it's really hitting me that I don't know how I am going to do all this. I don't make millions of dollars and I have the normal bills to pay! So when someone tells me that basic childcare runs about $160 a week - i want to throw up! I don't have that. How will I have that?! How can I do that, and get food and all the other wonderful things I am going to need. It's absolutely scares the crap out of me. I am sure I can MAKE it work. Although things will be tight, but that is just how it's going to have to be! eeak!

Another thing I am worried about is introducing the baby to my dog. He's rather hyper - which is my own doing - because I, myself, am a goofball! I just worry about balancing my time between then both. When he has to go out, do I take the baby with me? Even in the winter? I know I will figure it out. That when it comes down to it, I will be able to handle both - it's just one overwhelming thoughts, leads to another, no matter how rational or irrational it may seem.

What else can I bore you with.....

I bought a Prenatal Heart Listener the other day. You are supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat, hiccups and kicks. So far I haven't heard the heartbeat - just some gurgling and kicks! lol Which is funny.

I have another Dr's apt coming up. And then I have to go in again for my glucose screening - to see if I have gestational diabetes or anemia. I have a list of questions started to ask. Lots of questions about breastfeeding, and the pains I get when I lay on my side. Also about the size of my bump and if he is the right size.

Oh and names....I have it narrowed down. There are 2 names I am really starting to love. Middle names are hard - but there is one I'd really like to use. Still debating on whether a "K" name is the way to go, or if I want to venture off to whatever name I like. But the 2 I like are both "K" names. His initials would be "KRB" I will let you go ahead and start guessing if you want. There is only one person other than me that knows this name - and she is NOT allowed to guess! lol

Well I am going to plan my budget for next year and pass out when I am broke....until next time....Bon Jovi Out!

Soccer anyone?

I think this little guy is playing soccer or kickball with my insides. He is NON-STOP moving around like a crazy person! It's very odd to watch your belly bounce around like in those alien films. It's also neat at the same time - but still - Fa-reeeek-eeee.

I wonder what he thinks in there - like, "This place is way too small for me! Give me more space!" I have no clue. I can't imagine being in there. lol

Went for my monthly check up yesterday - still not showing like most people. With pants on - i just look normal - a little overweight but normal. But if i have maternity pants on - and a tighter shirt, you can see the little guy in there...well you can't see him, but you can see the tiny belly starting to form.

How weird would it be if out stomachs turned transparent during pregnancy! That would actually be kind of cool!

Also, while waiting to be called, I can up with a very good invention. A self collecting urine specimen toilet. It would save us ladies on having to hold that cup. Ugh! I go back in 3 weeks again. I have to get the regular check up and then get tested diabetes, anemia, and something else. I will then be in my 6th week. I wonder if I will have a big belly by then!?

Tiny Scares...

OR BIG ONES! I freak out!

Last night around 5 am dad and I were startled at the sight of blood on the sheets. While I only saw a large patch of pinkish blood - dad noticed darker and calmly told me to go to the bathroom and clean up and he'd take me to the emergency room. I couldn't bring myself to look at the sheets. I would have gone nuts.

We got ready and headed to the nearest ER and luckily - no one was waiting in there. She was asking me what brought me there and as soon as I said, I am pregnant and there is spotting, her mode changed. It was how far long are you - which is 20 weeks to the day actually - and then called upstairs. She said "well that is right on the borderline." I, already shaking and nervous looks over at the dad and gave him the look that said, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT?!"

I get into the wheelchair and wait. I'd never been in a wheelchair. It was sort of relaxing to be pushed around. We, well baby and I, rode upstairs and were greeted by 2 nurses who told me to change - one told me to fill out paperwork - they are very demanding. lol So I changed my clothes and sat in a chair while dad filled out paperwork. The started out by looking for the babies heartbeat.

This seemed to take an hour - the longest hour ever - and no heartbeat. She called in another nurse to try and still, she could not get the heartbeat. They started to look at charts and the nurse was like, "She's only 12 weeks." I was like, YOU ARE A MORON...in my head and then said, "I just went to the doctors and she told me that was my due date, that I was 20 weeks and I just found out I was having a boy!" (dad said i was mean...but seriously, learn how to read the thing!) Another nurse said, "well you haven't been to the Dr's?" Which I snapped and said, "Yes I have." (I mean I get that I look young - and that she was judging me and thinking I was some 18 yr old irresponsible kid - but she had no right to get the attitude....lol Well maybe she had it because I had it.)

So I sit there in a panic thinking about how many people might be happy about this - but it would completely devastate me. Then I started thinking about the fact that it would devastate me and how attached to the little bugger I am. I was thinking about how I didn't take my vitamin last night, and that maybe I didn't drink enough water. About how I killed my baby! Which dad kept telling me that is has nothing to do with what I did. Finally they switched to a Doppler and about 5 minutes later there was the sound. She listened to it and I just tried to memorize it. I was never happier to hear that sound. She told me the rate was 156 - and all my panic went out the window. Only because whenever I've had an ultrasound or listen to at the Dr.'s office, that is exactly where it was. So I started to calm. They hooked me up to a contraction monitor, and dad and I were left in the room. He does a fantastic job of keeping my mind on lighter things...and did a great job at making me laugh. Taking about his kidney stones and all the pain he was in. lol Not that I was happy he was in pain, but his facial expressions were priceless.

Nurse came back in and asked me to pee in a cup - which I did. Which, seriously, someone come up with a better way to do this so it's not so messy! When I wiped there was still a small tingle of blood. I sat back down and an on-staff OB came in to check me out. She explained (how fantastic!) what could be causing it. How sometimes there are polyps that form that can burst or with all the hormones, how blood vessels can break in the cervix, which isn't a "bad" thing. But what she most wanted to check for is that blood wasn't flowing and that it wasn't coming from further up. So I get the exam - and she didn't see any polyps, no flowing blood. YAY! So she said most likely because of the thinning lining of the cervix, i just broke a blood vessel. She just told me to rest this weekend, make an appointment next week to see my Doctor and if I start bleeding again, to get myself up to the hospital again.

They led me back to the chair - and the nurse - a new one - a NICE one - wanted to hear the heartbeat again. So she found it...right away...and just left it there again for about 3 minutes. 3 minutes really does seem like a long time...and said everything sounds great!

We left, I came home, called family to let them know - and then passed out in the chair after eating 2 large bowls of lucky charms. lol I woke up and I had a "dead rabbit" laying next to me. Moomer (my dog) must have put in up there while I was sleeping. He gave me his toy so I would feel better! How cute is he?!

Anyway - I think I learned that whipping yourself into a panic isn't always the best thing....and also...this is from dad...they are there to help me...I need to try and not get an attitude. This is hard for me, at least lately. Otherwise, I am like a breath of fresh air on a cool fall sunshiney morning! lol That is my opinion anyway. lol

"And so it is...."

So on the 4th - we had our 2nd Trimester ultrasound as well as our monthly visit. We rolled out of bed - headed to the Dr.'s and zombie walked to the office. (We went early because we were leaving for TN afterwards.)

We were led to the Ultrasound room and the goop was squirted and it began. Its AMAZING the difference from a month ago! How much HE OR SHE has developed. Like you can now see TOES that look like toes -

See it?! The big toe is off a little - but that is from his dad's genes! lol But it's a little foot. We also saw him give us a finger up! lol As if you say "Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Yeah, he/she's already a pretty cool kid!

Then we got down to business. "Would you like to know what you are having?" the Tech says. I think to myself - Well it's a baby! But what else could it be. WHAT if it's a space alien! What if it's like a half breed of something and will be the next superhero! But then I said, OH if it's a boy or girl...."of course!"

She starts looking around and you hear dad say, "I saw it, I know what it is!" The Tech hadn't even found it yet. LOL She was looking and then said, "well does this confirm your thoughts, dad? It's a boy!" All the while, I am starting at the screen wondering WHAT i am looking at and how bad of a mother I am for not knowing whether it has girl parts or boy parts. So they pointed it out to me....and I was caught up!

I am happy that I am having a baby boy! Dad and I have been working on some name combinations and it's quite possible I have him sold on Bon Jovi for a middle name...lol While the dad like "K" names - he said I could linger away from them. However, the 3 names we agree we like all start with a K. lol Either way - the name is something we are most likely keeping to ourselves until little boy is born!

So stay tuned.....

Emotions

Good lord, give me back my nausea! I would take that any day over these fits of rage, sobbing, and lack of self esteem.

For the past few days I have been in a happy mood, then sad, then happy, then I'm fat, then I am crying, then I laugh, then I say I'm ugly and everyone hates me, back to happy, back to no emotion, what-so-ever.

I can't stand it.

Yesterdays conversation with the dad:

Dad: You look like you are kind of poopy.
Me: I do? I don't feel poopy.
Dad: What's the matter?
Me: I don't know. I think I'm bored.
Dad: Oh. You are just quiet.
Me: ::sits on dad's lap and snuggles: : I am in a bad mood but I don't know why.
Dad: Oh, boy.
Me: I feel like I might cry.
Dad: I think I have to go
Me: ::gets misty:: I don't know why I am acting like this!
Dad: I do.
Me: Well I don't want it! I don't want to be pregnant anymore! ::crying:: I don't like crying when there is no reason to cry!
Dad: I think I have to go
(I should mention - he is actually hugging me)
Me: You don't deal well with girl emotions do you?
Dad: What?! I don't know what you are talking about.
Me: ::laughing:: you get all nervous when I cry and stuff
Dad: I have to do, I don't know what you are talking about ::with a smirk::
Me: Why does everyone hate me?
Dad: No one hates you.
Me: Yes they do, no one wants to hang out with me! I don't even want to hang out with me. I am so completely annoying myself right now!
Dad: ::silent but hugging::
Me: Do we have any Tylenol PM I can take so I can just sleep through this period of pregnancy!?
Dad: No.
Me: Whatever. ::goes and gets a tissue because I'm crying again, and my nose is running::
Dad: Just relax and calm down - I will be back later.
Me: ::plops myself on the couch:: I am so bored!!!

So I called my mom to see if she wanted to do a little shopping. This was fine until we hit the 3rd store. I started getting cranky and antsy. And then at the gas station there were 2 teenie boppers screaming and carrying on like to sluts - I mean seriously! Yelling at cars with boys in them telling them they were hot. I get into my car and turned to my mom and yelled: "THIS IS WHY SO MANY DAMN TEENAGERS GET PREGNANT! BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL SLUTS! THEY DRESS LIKE EM' AND ACT LIKE EM". She just stared at me. I thought to myself - who cares and why are you yelling. We head to McDonald's. She gets ice cream and water, and I get a cheeseburger and fry. What do we get...ice cream, 2 waters, cheeseburger and fry. For some reason getting 2 waters really pissed me off!

"Why are we getting another water?!" My mom is like, just take it! I look at the receipt and there are two waters on it. "Why don't people listen!" My mom tried to make some excuse for her. I didn't buy it. And then the girl handed me my bag and mumbled something. Now usually i can't stand it when Fast Food clerks have absolutely NO customer service. But to day, I wanted to pull her through the window! I just yelled," GOSH! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T HAVE CUSTOMER SERVICE SKILLS!" again, as I drive away I think, Who cares and why are you so upset over it.

It was just a bad day! I got home, and started organizing my bedroom again! It looks a lot better and will look even better when i get the bookshelf I bought out of my car and set up. Right now...it's still a passenger in my car. Because I am not allowed to lift things. Which is just stupid. I want to lift things...I need to lift things. I swear, some parts of pregnancy are just stupid! And I suppose if you are completely lazy, this part works in your favor and you can have a "reason" to be lazy. But I am not a lazy person, far from it. So when I want something done, I do it myself to get it done when I want. I don't like all this...waiting around for someone else to do things for me. It's dumb. AGAIN, a rant on something I need not be ranting about.

Emotions are for the birds.

18 weeks and counting. We have ourselves a little sweet potato! Which is making me think of Thanksgiving food! Exciting things to come: Friday we find out the sex of the baby. That day we also leave for Tennessee! I can't wait to finally have some downtime. To be away from the stress of our families, and just be together taking pictures, and being together. Did I mention that?!

Little Onion.

So this week is my 17th week of the big ol' preggoness. Did you know when I say preggo, it makes me think eggo. Which makes me want to run to the store and get ego waffles and eat them. But then, I think, if I am going to drive to the store, I might as well drive to Bob Evans and get some Strawberry Pancakes. lol Which leads me to my post.

Food. I can't get enough of it. I want to eat all kinds of it. If it's edible and in my view, its quite possible I might eat it. And if it's fake and looks edible, you better let me know! This weekend I ate so much crap, it's unbelievable. I try to eat as healthy as I can, however, I can't stop the cravings. If I want it, I have to have it. And by have to have it, I mean, NOW - in my mouth!

Lets see - I am craving everything from grape flavoring to lettuce! Taquitos to hot pockets. Hot Dogs, Cheeseburgers, Salads, Onion Rings! MY GOD THE ONION RINGS! LOVE THEM! I want some right now! Who is bringing me onion rings. I think about the week and if I have plans for food and plan my meal. Even though I know, when the day comes, I will be in the mood for something completely different! lol Like, I am going to dinner with my good friends on Wednesday! I already know what I am ordering. Chicken Dijon Pasta and ONION RINGS!

I went to the movies - and you know how normal people get popcorn or candy? Well I have come to believe that the rest of the stuff is for when pregnant woman come to the movies. I order onion rings...with gobs of ketchup. lol

However, my munching partner over the past two weeks, the dad, has been very helpful! He's convinced we're having a boy since he is doing all the weight gaining - and well, you can't tell I am even pregnant. lol But this question will be answered on Sept 4th. The shopping will begin and things will be wonderful!

Lunch - yum.

I know people don't care what I eat - but I get excited about food lately! And since I am excited, I am sharing it. So...be jealous.

I am eating Garlic Mushrooms & a Honey BBQ chicken tender salad with ranch dressing from BW3's. It taste somewhat like heaven. I know it's not what heaven tastes like, because I am pretty sure it taste either like Strawberry Pancakes or Cherry Chip Cupcakes!

If you are eating something better let me know. Chances are I will want to eat that too. lol

Apt. #2

Have you ever had to pee so bad that you thought your bladder was going to explode into a million pieces? I have.

Today I decided that since I knew I had to pee in a cup, I would prepare myself and drink a bunch of water prior to going in. However, I started drinking at 1 and finished at 2:45 - I was leaving work at 3:00. By the time 3 hit, I was afraid to stand up from my seat! I thought for sure I was going to pee all over the place. I though happy thoughts and headed home to change and then headed to the doctors.

I arrived at the Dr.'s office at 3:30 - appointment at 3:50 - walked briskly into the building, rode up in the elevator, thinking happy thoughts, and walk up to the counter to check in and she hits me with it. "You're Dr. is about a half hour behind." I just stare at her. Does she not know that I am about to BURST?! I mean how can she not, I am pregnant, all I do is want to pee. Which I hear gets worse the bigger the baby gets. (fantastic)

I sit in my seat...and try to keep myself busy! I email Kate (thank goodness for free wi-fi!), chat with people on facebook, play solitaire...etc.) I swear 45 minutes later, I am finally called. We head to the exam room and the nurse asks me if I left a sample yet. I was like, NO, NO I HAVE NOT! She said, do you think you can?! I laughed and said "I definitely can, I have to go so bad!" She proceeds to tell me that I could have gone prior to being called. That everything I need is out for me to go when I can.

WTF - yes this was going through my head. I held the dang urine for how long?! Needless to say, peeing was refreshing. What wasn't refreshing, was that, there, out in the open, where 4 other pee filled cups. Do you know what I did?! I compared the colors. Mine was almost the same color as someone else's. There was one that was almost green, and she went a lot. I think that she needs some attention. I don't think it's supposed to be green. The other one, I don't remember. Once the greenish pee caught my eye, I made the "blood face" (this is the face you make when you are thinking "that's not right, or ooo i hope that stops bleeding") and left the room. YES, I washed my hands...and I always wipe my cup in case I get pee down the sides. It happens. It's not like it's the neatest process.

While waiting, the intern came in and told me to "unbutton my drawers" so she could listen to the babies heart beat. This woman was so freaking chipper, I swear she was a robot. No normal person is that chipper at 4:50pm. She wore a constant smile on her face. And then she did it. SHE POKED MY ANKLES. I said, 'What are you doing!??". Because I didn't think about it, I was like, why is she looking at my socks?! But then I caught on! I said "Are they swollen?!" She laughed and said "Oh, no, Just checking!"

The little washing machine is still going strong! So cute to hear that. I could feel the interns smile. It was a bit uncomfortable. But I ignored it and listened. She left and I waiting for the doctor and when she got there it was like speed run though of my test results. Everything looked great! She said that next time she sees me we will have an ultrasound! The one where I find out gender! EAAAAAAPPPP! Baby better cooperate or it's grounded for the first week of it's social life. lol

Anyway - It was a good appointment - except for the pee part.

"and sooo it issss."

Well it's done. All the parents know...and we can move forward. Was it fun? No. What is awful? No. Did they react how I expected? No. I am glad I didn't go in it alone. I am glad he didn't have to deal with it alone. He took charge and told them. They reacted as they needed to. I am glad it's over.

I just want everyone to be happy and get a long. I don't like the feeling that my baby is a burden on someone or that it doesn't make them happy. I don't know. Lots of emotions going through my mind.

But again, at least everyone that needs to know, knows.

2nd Trimester!

Tomorrow officially starts my 2nd Trimester of pregnancy! As well as the only week you are allowed to call my baby a lemon. So get it out of your system. In a few weeks, I am hoping to get another addition of drawings from Kate and Sarah as to what my baby looks like. That way, they can't say he/she looks like a lemon. lol

I am excited! This is when I supposedly start showing. Get my bump, if you will. Ok, let's be honest, this is when I start the road to being the size of an elephant. There is a picture. Me walking around with a large elephant like bump protruding from my stomach. Fantastic! Can't wait! Actually, I want to start showing! I want to be able to see that I am pregnant, instead of feeling that I am pregnant.

Tonight...well, tonight is dooms day, so everyone is making me believe. lol Well not everyone but a few people that know the dad's mother. We , well quite possibly just me, am telling his parents tonight that I am with child. With their son's child, I should probably be more specific. lol But I hear it will be bad - but I am hoping for the best and not the worst. This could backfire. But what can you do. I am trying not to stress out too much....but I am a little worried that the dad is going to skip out on me. Even though I already told him 5 times I would do it myself. Part of me would rather, but the bigger part wants him there so I can hold his hand. More like squeeze his hand. Heck - I should just take one of those stress ball thingies and squeeze the living tar nations out of that. It would most likely explode, and I am sure that the contents of said stress ball is not safe for the kid...so better yet, leaving the stress ball at home, and will go back to his hand.

I wonder if she will kick me out of her house! lol That would be interesting. Do I just go if she does? Or do I stay and try to be reasonable? Who know. I am hungry...i wonder if it would be frowned upon if I ate a snack while telling her. lol Then if it gets crazy, I could just pretend to choke! She isn't going to let a cute pregnant woman choke right in front of her.....maybe I shouldn't press my luck and should keep the snack at home.

ok, so telling his parents and leaving stress ball and food at home. GOT IT!

lol - odd

Remember the post when I said that pregnant woman tend have cravings for non-food items...lol I had my first.

I was walking past the janitor who just filled the bucket with soapy water and it smelled good. And I though, "Oh, that smells good..and then I could taste it and thought...I want to eat that. I WANT TO EAT THAT?!" Then I laughed to myself because it's just weird.

Not that I was going to run back and stick my head in the bucket.

Off the "I want to eat soapy water" topic: I am not sure if I am in my 2nd Trimester or not. Some say the end of week 13 is the beginning of Trimester 2, and some say the beginning of 13 is. Which is it, I hate being in limbo!

Peaches, Pickles, Pastrami...ok, not pastrami...or peaches

So what I have noticed as of late is that I want to eat all the time. I want to eat every time there is not food entering into my mouth. I smell food when no food is around, I dream about food, I wake up and think about food. Well, I wake up with a strange hankering for strawberry pancakes. I have started a trend where I wake up, call sister or email sister and ask for strawberry pancakes. Then I send an email to Kate and ask her where my strawberry pancake delivery is. lol Until I either go to breakfast and get them, or I don't get them, and just desire them for about an hour and then eat something else.

While sitting at my desk and no food in site, almost everyone had gone for the day and I got a whif of Bob Evan's biscuits. You know the smell, very distinctive...but I wanted them. I talked about them through email. I had to STOP myself from pulling into Bob Evan's on the way home. I mean, it's like you become obsessed. Today I smelled Burger King's Original Chicken Sandwich. I could taste it in my mouth. It's just weird how you smell something and then you WANT it.

I decided to go grocery shopping and stock up on some things that I had run out of....pregnancy necessities. Pickles, Milk, Ice Cream Sandwiches, etc..you get the point. I had the MOST obscure cart in the store. lol

I grabbed foods I haven't eaten in years...or wouldn't normally eat. The sad thing...when you have a craving for something, it doesn't mean it's going to be there in an hour, or even 5 minutes. It changes so quickly. In a conversation with my friend I realized this to be extremely true. I don't usually like fig newtons...but they sounded fantastic...so I bought them. Honestly - when I think of them now, I want to hurl. They don't sound good. I can taste the gritty center right now - and I want to stop talking about them right now. I bought sour cream - for nacho cups - and the thought of eating sour cream...makes me want to vom. Why does this happen!? Someone tell me?! It makes me want to cry...which I have been doing a lot of lately...like right now, I seriously want to cry because I don't know why food makes me want to throw up! lol

Let's not get started on the emotions....All I have to do is see the preview for Time Traveler's Wife - and I lose it.

sad.

On the more exciting side of things....my peach is 13 weeks..."aaaannnd grooooowwwwing."

Baby Shopping

Today was the first day that I actually spent money on baby. Kate and I went to Ikea and shopped till we dropped, literally. I think we wanted to just sleep for a few hours before we headed home.

I "purchased" some really neat things for the nursery! Which I can't wait to start organizing. There are some things that need to be moved out of the room, but I can wait a bit longer. It would really help to know the sex of this little tyke so I can start buying colors. Which I think, no matter what is going to be a combination of Greens and oranges. Bright colors and white. ;o) can't go wrong.

As I start the process, I will take pictures of my progress and post them here! I know you are interested! lol Nothing new in baby development. Sunday will start my 13th weeks! Which to some is the 2nd trimester to others in ending the 1st trimester.

13 weeks is a peach! and 14 weeks is - well I refuse to call my baby a lemon! lol

Seeing is believing...

So I had my NT test today. This test tells you whether there is a chance for your baby to have downs syndrome. They do an ultrasound and measure a skin flap behind the baby's neck - or something.

I had to pee an hour a head of time and then drink 12oz of water and hold it. I thought, well I hardly ever pee - so this should be easy. Well, I had to go when I got there. I laid on the bed and the sploosh the goop and start pressing the little dealio around looking for the babe. Well, the pressure, you feel it all in your bladder. lol

As the tech moved over t the right side of my body there he was.

He is laying on his head in this picture. (stewwwwpid)

But it's just weird to see a babylike baby in there. It looked like a baby is supposed to look. While looking at the screen, I thought it had horns. Which was freaky. I thought for a slight moment that all this wrong doing of having a baby unplanned I was giving birth to the devil's child. But they went away - or I was looking at something wrong - it was weird.

Then panic set in as what if it didn't have a heartbeat? What if it was dead and I was looking at a dead baby. (Well these thoughts go through your head!) But then she passed over his chest and you could see the flutter. Plus later the tech let me hear the heartbeat and took it's heart rate! (160)

So whilst looking at the child, he had his hand in his face so she started pressing up and down, WITH FORCE, mind you, to get him to move his arm. I was thinking, "Ease up lady, I am about to wiz all over the exam bed/table thingy!" But he responded. He's a fighter. He was like, "what you doin' lady!" and started flopping around. It's possible he could have been laughing at me for thinking he had horns. lol But he was bouncing all over the place! THAT was a WEIRD sight to see. He even rolled on his side away from us. He was most likely mooning me. Already this kid has a sense of humor! LOVE IT.

He raised is hand while I was watching. The tech got excited and said he was waving at me. As if to say, "HI MOM!" It's so hard to explain the feelings you get from seeing that. It was such a great experience that I was glad I did alone - like it was just a moment between he and I. (I know I keep saying he. lol) But it was amazing. If I could have gotten a video - I would have paid for it so I could show people.

It was just incredible. There is really a baby in there - and it's amazing how baby like it is for only being 2 inches! But already I feel protective of him. And can't wait to see what he looks like outside of womb. I am 12 weeks this week and next week will begin my 2nd Trimester. Which is when you feel GREAT, so I hear. I wonder when I will start to show - and I can't wait to see what the sex is!

Here is my little plumb suckin' his thumb - at least that is what it looks like.

Next appointment in 2 weeks - which is just a checkup. Not sure when I get another ultrasound...but when I find out - I will let you know!

Done.

Well, I told my mother today. In a quite comical way - but she didn't laugh. lol I basically told her I had a secret that she couldn't tell anyone, but she might want to sit down for it. She gave me some off the wall prediction, to which I replied, "no, I am having a baby." To which she replied, "you liar." To which I replied, "No, I am having a baby." She slowly made her way to the chair and sat down and shook her head.

She didn't yell - apparently I am not a very good predictor of how things will play out. It was basically the same concerns as my dad, but she was ok. She said that I needed to tell the dad's mother right away - to which I replied, "All in good time." I don't want to step on the dad's toes with butting in and telling his mother. It would bother me if he has walked up to my dad and just told them without me. But we will see how that goes. My mom seems to think it will be ok, I don't agree. But, like I said before, I am bad at predicting these things.

So almost everyone knows - at this point people can tell people and I will be ok. A little worried about certain people finding out, but what can you do.

At least it's out there and I don't have to keep secrets. yay. Let the fun begin...

Poopage.

For those of you that don't like this topic - I caution you to stop reading right now. However, chances are you haven't because you are slightly intrigued about what I am going to say. It's all about poop. Or lack there of.

So you read in the books that constipation is a "side effect" of being pregnant. So when you think constipation, what do you think of? Cheese? I do. Except when you eat a lot of cheese, you may not go for a day. MAYBE. I don't really remember, it's been a while since I've eaten that much cheese.

Anyway - today I jumped (well as much as I am allowed to...) for joy! I finally went! It's been 3 days! Now we had a minor terdage here and there - but not the full blown basket of eggs! I know, it's sorta gross...

I have NEVER been this constipated in my life to where I am so excited that I "dropped the kids off at the pool". It was sheer joy. I could have cried! I could have called everyone I knew and let them know! Instead, I thought, let the world know. Let the world know what you have endured over the last 3 days. Pain and anger.

There is nothing more frustrating (well, I am sure there is, but at the time there wasn't) than sitting on the "terd-let" and nothing happening. The rocking back and forth (oh, don't pretend you don't know about it) or leaning forward to help the little guy out and NOTHING. Not to mention, my dear friend Kate has had to listen to me say "I can't believe I haven't pooped in 2 days!"

So for those of you interested in what REALLY happens during pregnancy - plan on taking a poo about every 3 or 4 days.

I warned you. And now, if you aren't laughing hysterically, you've at least realized you know far more about me than you ever planned on. lol

Cuteness...

My Friends are adorable! Today we had a wonderful diner together and the girls drew pictures of what my baby looks like right now. I also joined in on the fun!

One down...two more to go.

So last night about 9:30 I became brave and decided to head to my dad's to just get it over and done with. They had been on vacation for the past 10 days so I thought I might as well just do it.

We started with small talk about their trip and then about work and then they asked why I was out so late. To which I replied "well there is a reason I am here, but I don't want to say what it is." To which my step-mother replied "How many months? and can I get a cigarette?" I mention a drink for dad might be needed, as well.

It wasn't at all how I thought it would go. I wasn't called an idiot, and I didn't get grounded. lol Which was a joke at some point in time. They asked me a bunch of questions. And kept telling me I had to take care of myself and be more excited about it. Since I was having a baby and it was exciting.

I think that is the hardest thing to make people understand. It's not like it was planned. And while I know it's happening, it's sometimes hard to jump up and down with excitement. I think the Dr. might frown upon umping up and down anyway.

Still waiting to talk to the dad about when exactly he is wanting to tell his parents, so I can tell my mom before. And if I don't hear from him, I'm just going to tell my mom and hope she won't tell his mother until we tell her.

First Dr. Visit

So, I thought I would elaborate on what happened when we heard the heartbeat.

When we got to the Dr.'s office - we walked to the elevator. Which "dad" had to point out how everyone knew where we were going and why! lol We walked in and I headed for the waiting room and looked behind me and he was gone. He was raiding the candy dish lol We were stared at as we walked in by the woman in their many stages of pregnancy. We were told she was 15 minutes behind. Yeah - more like...an hour.

We talked about funny stories or what would we do if someone we knew walked in. We needed to come up with a good excuse. "This isn't McDonalds?!" We laughed mostly as he did very well at keeping m mind on lighter things. Every time the nurse would come out, he's squeeze my knee. "K....risten" "Did your heart stop beating!" lol I think he was a bit more freaked out than me.

We finally were called and went back.

He sat quietly in the chair while the nurse took my weight and blood pressure. She told me that the gown had to go on - take off all your clothes flap opening in the front. lol She walked out and I looked over and he was like, "Let's read a book!" I threw the robe over his head and told him to not look! It was too medical for him to look! I got changed and we waited some more.

This waiting was the most amusing part of the day! lol He has so much nervous energy he was dropping things, getting up and pacing, pretending to touch all the instruments and then he came to it. The model. I looked at it a few times across the room, but had no idea what it was. He walked over and started laughing. And made a few comments, and picked it up. I had to ask, "What is that!?" To which he started laughing. "What do you mean what is it!? It's woman parts! You should know, you have them!" I started laughing and said I couldn't tell! We laughed a lot and then she came in!

She was very energetic and congratulated us both. She even knew dad's name. I don't care if she just read it off the chart - I was glad she acknowledged him. He smiled and said thank you and i just stared blankly. She said "why does it seem like you are a bit nervous?" I replied simply, "Well I am still in denial about this. I just want to hear the heartbeat to know if this is really happening or if it's dead in there." LOL I have such a way with words. She started telling me how it was a lot of pressure to put on her since you may not hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks, but there was a possibility because I was thin, that we could. (I have never been told I was thin! This was amazing to hear!) So she sat down as said:

Dr: "Did you take a test?"

Me: "Yes" (5 actually, plus a doctors visit, but who's counting ;o) )

Dr: "Are you experiencing nausea or vomiting?"

Me: "Yes"

Dr: "Are your breast sore or tender to the touch"

Me: "Yes"

Dr: "Have you had a period?"

Me: "No"

Dr: "Well, there is a strong possibility that you might be pregnant!"

So we all laugh - because obviously she just made me sound like I was out of my mind - which I am not. lol

The exam starts and I don't even know what is going through "dads" mind. She was very good and kept my mind off what she was doing! Unlike my last Dr! She is talking and then says "Well, everything looks good!" and we both started laughing hysterically. She probably thought we were a bunch of kids! But, it was funny!

Now onto the even neater stuff...

She starts the little thingy to hear if there was a heartbeat. It was probably the longest 2 minutes ever. There was nothing, then you could hear my heartbeat, then nothing, nothing, then my stomach growled, then there was laughter, then the laughter completely stopped as we listened to the heartbeat. "There it is, the proof you need. Congratulation both of you!" I wish she would have held it there a little longer. I wish it was a happier moment to where mom and dad hug with excitement. Instead it was dead silence. Both in the realization that it's REALLY happening now. I got dressed and we walked out to the car. Even past the candy dish and he was right next to me, didn't even want candy.

We drove back to my place and just sat there for a few minutes. He sat there very quiet, and I stood next to him. We just held each other a little bit and then started to try to discuss telling people. He is scared out of his MIND to tell his parents. I want to be there. He thinks I should rethink it. But I am not. I think that we should rip the band-aid off this weekend. I don't think he ever wants to tell anyone. It's been extremely strenuous on our relationship. But I am hoping we can pull through it together. I tend to want to try and fix things - and he tends to try to find ways to avoid them. I think we really can make this easy and less stressful if we are together. However, he will not be there when I tell my dad and mother. Just because I don't want to expose him to what they are going to say.

I know it's going to be bad - but then, I also know, it's going to get better.

At least the first visit was memorable and fun! And I am hoping he will continue to be there for all the other visits. We have another in 2 weeks for the nucal translucency test, and another 2 weeks from that, is my 2nd visit. Which I have to remember to drink before these things, since I have to pee in a cup. It's hard to do when you feel pressured or on the spot. lol

It's Official.

It's little ticker is tickin' away.

It was actually not an awful experience. The dad actually made it enjoyable and kept me laughing to keep my mind off of all the stuff that would make me nervous.

But now what!?!

We have to tell our parents. Which we will hopefully come up with a plan for soon.

The Day.

Well tomorrow is right around the corner.

I have very mixed feelings about it. I am excited to find out if this is all really happening. I am nervous about getting the womanly parts all poked and prodded. Which I think if this is really happening, I need to just get used to. From what I hear, they'll be down there a lot. Not to mention front and center when that kid comes shooting out of there.

I have watched more baby shows than I have in my whole life. 16 and Pregnant, TLC baby shows, Special Delivery, etc. I like the 16 and Pregnant, because - well as sad or mean as this may seem, if a 16 year old kid can do this - so can I. lol I have watched someone receiving their epidural. That made me want to vomit, but no one was screaming their heads off or saying it was hurting, so it must not be that bad.

I think that tomorrow when I find out - it's going to change my perspective big time. I am still in the "denial" aspect of this. I know. I quite possible have a prune sized baby inside of me, and I am still in denial. (10 weeks). You'd think that after 10 weeks, I would have some sort of grip - but I don't. Not even close. The thought of being a mother still freaks me out. The thought of how I am going to afford to buy things, freaks me out. I need to just start going to Garage Sales and buying used and painting them to look new.

But of course I can't start buying things until I know for sure and have had the sit down with my mom, my dad, and his parents. Which is going to be lovely. Because over the past week, I have accepted the fact that it's going to be bad. There will be yelling, I will be defending people, and then there's how big of a disappointment I've been. But, yeah, its got to be done. After they've said what they have to say, they'll apologize and hopefully enjoy it and laugh about it. YES laugh about it. So when i say, "remember that time I went on vacation and got knocked up. Wasn't that a gas!?! hahahahahahha" and then they'll join in and we will all laugh together.

a girl can dream, can't she. Until tomorrow....

Food.

One of the cutest things is that The Bump has a chart to tell you how big your baby is week by week by comparing it to food. As I am about nine weeks now, it's is the size of an olive. Aunt Kate will be so proud! (she loves olives.) Maybe I should name the baby Olivia if it's a girl or Oliver if it's a boy! lol

Here is the chart link

small freak outs and good times.

What should I start with? The small freak out? Sure, it's probably more entertaining.

The freak out: I have been extremely confident lately. Like a lion - I walk proudly with my head high thinking "I can do this! I am in charge of my life! I don't need any one's help! I got this! I will conquer this! I have this in the bag!" Then as I round my corer of this crazy jungle I see a mouse. Freak OUT and start thinking, "What am I thinking?! I can't do this! I don't have thousands of dollars! I can't afford a kid? How will I get them into college? How will I feed them?!"

I tell myself as long as I am not freaking out more than once a week, I am good! lol Not that I should be freaking out - but it's hard not to. What is nice though is that I had someone with me to helped me though it. Which leads me to my good times.

Good Times: This past weekend I spent a fair amount of time with this little blueberry's father. He told me that he was just as scared as I was. To which I replied that I wasn't scared - at the time I was a lion. We talked openly about it for a few hours and have been ever since. It's nice to not feel like it's something that can't be talked about. When I get my "morning sickness" he rubs my belly, or asks if he can get me water. And even if it's for a short time, I am thankful that when I am in my "not-so-fun" moments, he is there to help me though.

We talked about the 8th - when we hear if there is a heartbeat - and he is going to go with me. This makes me feel a whole lot better. However, it also makes me very anxious about the 8th getting here. And all the other days that have to come and go before it does get here. I just want to know what is happening. If the real "freak out" should begin or if there is nothing left to freak about.

I should end with I don't like these freak outs. They are just a waste of time and energy. And once the mind starts going, it's hard to get it to stop. I had a friend tell me about an exercise to try to get your mind out of that rut. To pay attention to what is happening now. So if I were to start freaking out - I would tell my mind to focus on my typing. How the keys feel when I hit them. How the letters skid across the screen as I type them. It actually works to calm you down a little. Yeah I don't have thousands of dollars to send my kids off to college - but college is a long way off. And what I should be more concerned about is staying healthy so that there is a kid some 19 years from now that wants to go to college. Or better yet, baby names! LOL Wait, maybe it's too early for that too. lol Even though Bon Jovi is at the top of my list.

cramps

Well, when you are pregnant you still get cramps - just because things are moving around - your uterus is getting bigger. LOL I just said uterus. Anyway - last night was the first night I woke up in excruciating pain. It was cramps times 10. It felt like something was being pulled away from my inside skin. (hey, I've never claimed to be a doctor or know parts)

Anyway I got up and went to the bathroom to check for blood - i was actually concerned. Weird. But there wasn't any - but I had to pee really bad. So I went - and walked back to the couch and went back to sleep - but couldn't get comfortable. Seemed like whenever I stretched out it hurt - so I slept in the fetal position for the rest of the night.

I actually dreamt that there was blood everywhere! And woke up in a panic. I believe there is part of me that has grown fond of the idea of having a baby. There is still a large part that is very scared - but I find myself being extremely anxious for the 8th to roll around to find out if there is a heartbeat or not. I find myself wanting to tell my parents before the 8th that a human being could be taking up residency in my womb for the next 7 months. LOL I said womb.

Who would have though a few months ago, when I went to Hocking Hills, that I would have come home with extra baggage. I was just going to see trees and waterfalls and nature. Not bring back a baby. I think it's funny how things work out. Then I get a little frustrated about how things worked out, and then I think about every one's faces the day this baby is born - and it makes it all worth it. It's going to be one cute kid, let me tell you!

Things I have read in pamphlets.

That I may have a desire to eat nonfood items! clay, laundry starch, ice - which last time i checked was ok. Um, please, for the love of God, if someone sees me going for the clay - stop me!

On Crying Babies: "Do you know who you left your baby with? Have you seen this person interact with your baby before? Did you tell this person not to shake your baby" - I don't know - just seems like common sense to not shake anything tiny.

I will add to this as I find things.

Nurse Visit

LOL - So I walk in - nervously. Give my information - wait for the nurse. I am greeted by an older woman who first congratulates me on my pregnancy. Usually my response to this is something from the caveman era "muhm". We get to the room and we sit and no joking, the first thing out of her mouth is, "are you planning on breastfeeding?" I started laughing hysterically. I said, "I have no idea! I am getting used to the fact that I may be pregnant! I haven't thought about breastfeeding!" Boobs. I look over and there is a photo of a boob in a baby - and I was like, this is new! lol

She got out a kit that has breastfeeding stuff in it and reading materials. oooh free stuff. But weird free stuff. I am used to free pens, free magnets, free notepads. Not free baby formula or free bottles, and journals, and travel kits for when you venture to the hospital and spit the watermelon out of the worm hole. (that is what it seems like right now.)

So she goes through the list of illnesses and crazy diseases that I or family members may have. I gave her I don't think so - how do I know. WHAT IF I HAVE THAT! LMAO - not really! lol She then went though a list of blood tests to have done and some you could add on. Down Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, and something else. Which scared me, so I ignored them. She started going on and on about what I should eat and drink and what I shouldn't eat. What I can do as far as activities - run no more than 2 miles and a slower pace, ride a bike, work out at the gym. But I am NOT, repeat, NOT allowed to jump on a trampoline. I asked. She said no, I was sad.

It was a good chat - we talked about stress and what I was going though. What my thoughts were and how completely normal they are. That it's completely bad timing - I laughed when she said this as well. I told her how i have been having sex since I was 17 years old. And while I can count the people I've slept with on one hand - I have never taken birth control and never really used it. LOL And I haven't been pregnant since. She was amazed. I said NOW, this is the time that was chosen for me, under these circumstances. Yeah - stressful. But overall, she claims I will get over the stress once people know, and I hear the heartbeat. Only because I asked her, "How do I know I am really pregnant and it's not just a lump sitting there with no heartbeat?". Classy.

After the chat she handed me all my goodies and handed me a lab sheet and told me to have a good day. I asked her when I get the lab work done. Simple question. "Today, it's right downstairs." Ugh............

So by now I have traveled in an elevator twice - which I hate - but am finding that it's not so scary. Actually, I would much rather travel in that, that be as stressed as I am. I get to the lab - where the lady had very long fingernails. VERY LONG - and I couldn't help but stare at them while she was typing. I tell her that I hope I don't pass out, since I haven't eaten. She doesn't laugh - and i go wait for the nurse to call me back. I get called, go back, sit down, and she starts pulling the tubes - there are like 5 or 7 of them. I am like holy hell, do you need that much! I need it, don't take it! So she starts and she asks me if I am excited - which I tell her not yet. That it was unplanned. She said that is how she got her son. She also asked if the father was going to be there or if I was doing it alone. Which I informed her that since I told the dad, he's been non-existent, so chances are alone. She said that her kids dad left when he was 2 months. (which makes me sad) I just told her that in a perfect world I would prefer to be with the dad and have him excited about it! She said, that is what everyone wants. Then she said, don't worry you can do it! If I can do it, and I am 23, you can do it!

I guess I have come to agree with people that I CAN do this alone - and be fine. I am just not ready to be excited. I think once I hear that heartbeat, everything will change. I think when I know for sure that he or she is alive and kicking in there - and i can tell my parents - and be done with that part of it all....it will be a million times more enjoyable. This is, of course, my hope.

Father's Day

So Father's day was good. I didn't spill the beans, since it would be more like I shoved hot pokers into my parents eyes. I am waiting until my 2nd doctors appointment - when I meet with the doctor. I have one on Tuesday - and I am hoping that there is some more of test or something to tell me that I am 100% pregnant. Yes, there is a tinge of denial still in my being.

So until then, when I will have more news....carry on.

OH and one funny comment that was made about me at a party was "How is she losing all that weight and but not in her boobs?" LOL People are funny.

Decision Unmade.

Remember when I said I was telling people this weekend. I'm waiting until after the 8th. Yeah...I am a chicken.

Things to do while pregnant.

So I think one thing you should do while you are pregnant is try and buy a car. It will be so much fun! You will go through such a wide range of emotions that you could play "Emotion Bingo". Had I known this prior to shopping for cars, it probably would have been much more amusing!

Happy - check

Sad - check

Annoyed - check

Frustrated - check

Hot - check

Hungry - check

Angry - check

Indifferent - check

Silly - check

Shear Rage - check

Giddy - check

Cold - check

Panicky - check

Devastated - check

Glad - check

Disappointed - Check

Complete Punch-faceyness check

you get the point.

Well I had a bad morning today with feeling sick. As long as I was laying down I felt fine, but movement wasn't all that great. Plus my mind had started again and I needed it to just stop! Around 1 I felt ok enough to try and accomplish some small tasks. I wanted fresh air so I thought to myself, "just drive around town and through some dealerships and look and see what they have."

Seems simple. Good Lord! I like to think I am a fairly easy person to work with. I tell you what I want and you, as a salesman, make it happen. Seems easy enough.

Salesman #1: We'll call him Douchebag #1. I give him my shpeal on what I am looking for - what I need - what I want. He takes me inside and says, I may have some cars in that range. And starts rattling off cars and prices. Then stares at me. So I stare back and say, "well could you show me these cars?" So we head outside and look at cars. LINCOLN - A LINCOLN. Now if you drive a Lincoln chances are you are taller than 5'3". This car had the plastic wood interior - i was looking for something - I don't know - more...younger looking. I don't know. Anyway - the car was bigger than 8 of me, so I asked to see something a bit smaller. So he showed me a few cars one I liked was a Pontiac G6 and the other was a Chevy Cobalt. But then I started to notice something. That every car that we weren't looking at he would point at and would say "You can't afford that. And you definitely can't afford that! That is NOT in your price range" After looking at all the cars I nicely thanked him and said I will look around some more and come back if I don't find anything. (lol)

Salesman #2 : Nice guy, showed me around to all the cars in my price range. Again, another Pontiac G6. 2 actually - sharp looking - He also shows me a Chevy Malibu. Um, they have movable pedals! So I don't have to move the seat so close, I can move the pedals close, so I can look like a normal person in a car. So I look - and tell the salesman nicely that I am going to continue my search and that I really liked those 2 cars, and I would be back after what I found.

It's hot out! So I decide to get some water and a snack in case I got hungry.

Salesman # 3: We will call him, Mr. Non-existent. First time EVER, I walked into a car lot without someone jumping on my back trying to sell me a car. There were 3 or 4 that I would have been interested in seeing, however they didn't list their prices and they didn't come out to talk to me...so I left.

Salesman #4: we'll call him "Mr. Roper" because he was as old as dirt. Same shpeal. Pulls out his trusty papers and starts showing me the crappiest cars in the lot. "Well we really don't have a lot to work with here. $200 is sort of a lower end car." At this point - I am annoyed and I just said, I don't see what I like. I said so far there is a Pontiac G6 that I really like and so far that is what I am going with. Something I never wish I would have said. I can never get those 10 minutes back. EVER. He started on some rant about Pontiac - and it started with a whisper that reminded me of clip of Spencer that The Soup always shows, "That's the problem". The guy started going on and on about how Pontiac is falling and the price is declining and it's a horrible investment. I wonder if he noticed I wasn't listening after about 3 minutes. I left.

Salesman #5: We'll call him, "The Talker". This guy would have talked up a bicycle with no wheels if he thought I would buy it. He showed me a few Saturns - which I am not a fan of - and a Colbalt - which was white. At this point I have become extremely picky. It was white. I mentioned the G6 - to which he showed me 2 red ones that weren't ready - but they would be in a week or so. But they were red. - I drive a bright car right now, I don't want to stand out anymore! So I get in my car to leave -and he asks me about the weather in the south. To which he started going on and on about what sort of weather would be his perfect weather! Nothing colder than 60 and nothing warmer than 80 - I don't know where this place exists and i really don't care. But he had to tell me about it.

It's hot out. I am tired of people trying to sell me something. I want to meet a person that will just have the car i want and the price I want and sell it to me. Is THIS SO WRONG!!!!

Salesman #6: I don't think I can type on here what I should call him. So I will abbreviate it. "Mr. Arrogant MFer" Yes...you can tell at this point, I should have just drove home and went to bed. But I decided that they had a bunch of used cars and well, there were some that may have potential. Soon I would know, NEVER GO TO THIS DEALERSHIP! I wasn't even out of my car when I was hopped on. I mention I am looking for a car USED and around $200 a month. His reply "ok, SO NEW OR USED for $200 to $250-$300 a month." I just stared at him and said, $200. Well but you'd get a new car if it was a little over that says $250. I said "No. If you want me to walk out of here with a car, $200. " "Well," he says, "let's go inside and look at where we are at." He ran my credit report before even showing me a car! I am annoyed at this point. So I sit there and wait. He comes back and says "While he's working on that, let me show you some cars" So we go out and I notice we aren't in the used lot. He is showing me new car after new car - I am starting to get angered. I ask "when are we going to look at the used cars?" "Well, that is what I was telling you earlier. I can get you financed for a new car, way easier than I can get you financed for a used one. Most people won't even finance a used car." I am irate that this point. WTF is he talking about. I was going to get financed just fine by the 5 other duchebags I just met with, so obviously he sucks. So he is walking by all these cars (that have no sticker prices) and is obviously not enthused about selling me a car in their used lot. So much that he turns and says "I am going to go inside and look at your paperwork, you can walk around out here and see if you like anything." I am like, "ugh, ok..." Mr. Arrogant MFer walks away and I start looking at this lot filled with cars. Well, I don't know what I am looking at because half the cars don't have info on them, and all of them don't have prices on them. So I don't know if I should even be looking at them. I see a G6 and a Cobalt - but at this point, I am so hot, and so bitchy, I don't have the patience to deal with this ass. So I start to walk towards the building to where I am being greeted by another salesman. I tell him that I am already being helped just waiting. I say, "I am waiting for him as long as it take me to get in my car. If he isn't out by the time I am in my car, I am leaving." He doesn't like this, so he starts stalling me. Then he realizes that I am pissed and goes inside and gets he salesman. He comes out and starts walking towards the G6. I said, "I don't see anything that really jumps out at me. You have a G6, but the other one was in better shape and had more features and was in my price range." He was like really. I mentioned that I don't think this car is in my price range - as he never told me the price or showed me the car earlier. I am more than pissed right now. He says well lets get you in it and drive it. At this point. I DON"T WANT TO DRIVE IT. But I try to relax and think...i might as well test drive it to save me a trip if I don't like it.

I shouldn't have drove it. I loved it. smooth, quiet, and then the thought popped into my head..."How do I get out of here and back over to the other dealership?" So I drove back - and said well I am going to go back over to the other place and see what the other car had, compare prices and the other one is the color I like and has a sunroof - so I will just go back there. Then the shear anger and the complete punchfaceyness kicked in. He started in about how I don't know what the price of their car was, so how do I know it's cheaper shpeal. I just stared at him. I said, "I am sure no matter what I tell you the price of the other car is, this car is cheaper." Nothing like realizing he is going to rip me of no matter what! "If I sell you this car cheaper than that car, will you take it?" So I say, "SURE!" I just want the hell out of there. So I have to go inside and sit while he talks to his "manager" which at this point, I am sure it's a brick wall. He says, "well i will see you back in a few minutes..." I stood up and headed for the door, not before saying, "what. a complete. doucebag..."

It's hot, I am tired of dealerships, I just want a car.

Back to 2nd dealership and salesman: I am not sure I can describe this correctly to get the response it should. So I walk into the dealership and there are 4 gentlemen standing around. One is going to file some papers, one is eating some sort of meat bagel, the other one is standing there, and my guy has the keys to the the G6 ready in his hands. I walk in and say "ITS HOT OUT! I JUST GOT BACK FROM "insert dealership here" AND I WANT TO OFF MYSELF!" then I flung myself over a chair. (oh it was a dramatic entrance!) The guy dropped his papers, the other guy grabbed his head, one guy was like, "oooooohhhhhhhhhh" and the other guy just shouted, "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!". It was the comedy I needed after the day I just put myself through. They started in about how awful they are and what they do to people. I said, "I am supposed to get a quote from you on the G6 and take it back and they are going to sell me their cheaper. I don't want theirs, I want yours, so let's do this." I test drove the 2008, loved it. Came back - debated on the 2005 and then decided and proceeded. At 6pm I finally left there without a car. Disappointment set in. I got back tomorrow to finalize everything - and bring that baby home. I am very excited. Well not right now, I am exhausted. But tomorrow, I will be excited.

The moral of the story: 1) Don't want until last minute to get a car when you know you are going to need one in the future. 2) never go to #6 dealership - I don't want to be a jerk and give out their name. But ask me and I will tell you! 3) Don't want around to be treated like crap! Just leave. 4) if you are pregnant and bored and have yet to feel the range of hormonal emotions that kick in - go shopping for a car and hit at least 7 dealerships. It's fun.

a day.

I woke up and felt sick . I am tired. I am cranky. I feel sick, get up. Lay back down, fall asleep for a bit. Wake up, again. Feel sick, again. Lay back down, again.

I took my dog out for his morning pee and while I was standing there I became oddly aware of the birds around me. There was a Robin in the tree trying to hide from the raindrops that the wind made fall. And then I looked over and a hummingbird was floating next to me. It stayed there for about 30 seconds. Just floating above the bushes. I looked at the window and there was nothing red or brightly colored for it to be attracted to. So I just watched it until it darted away. They sparrows were flying to the ground and then up to the tree again and then the crow started in. It was odd. So while in this normal state - being one with the wet nature that was around me -my mind kicked in

"Who is going to watch my dog when I give birth?"

This is not something I need to be worrying about right now!

All the people that I would trust to watch my dog, I was like, well won't they be at the hospital? For some reason I picture everyone I know at the hospital - I am sure it's not going to be that way. Honestly, when I have thought about being pregnant before (like a few years ago, when I was married) I didn't want anyone there. Not his family (they're psycho - hence the reason of getting the hell out of dodge), not my family, heck I didn't even want him in the room. lol Now, there are KEY people that I want around me.

Why am I still thinking about this...not important right now!

I wish I had pancakes. Those sound good right now. I am not at work, which is feeling great - I might just take the rest of the day off to relax - for once. Go outside - become one with nature again. lol How does one become one with nature? Well I am not getting nude or anything!

"ugh - I don't want to go to the OB-GYN!"

Decision Made.

So after a wonderful chat with friends I have made a few choices. While it feels wonderful to make decisions - it also doesn't change the fact that I am scared out of my mind. (like any normal person is this situation would feel)

I find myself singing "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna. lol " but I've made up my mind, I'm keepin' my baby..."

I am going to have this child - because I know what decisions I can and cannot live with. I know that I couldn't deal with aborting a child, nor could I give the child away after carrying it for 9 months. I can do this!

I have also decided that this weekend I will be telling my parents that I am "possibly" pregnant. lol I know - but I still have the thoughts that maybe the doctor was wrong. There is starting to be a little part of me that hopes I am - just because I am starting to get used to the idea. Not sure if this is a bad feeling or a good feeling. I don't want to be disappointed.

I don't know how I am going to do it, but I am - and I will be ready for what they throw at me, hopefully they are more words and not objects. lol I know they'll be disappointed in me, which just feels awful - but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I feel bad that I won't be telling the dad's mother - because I think they have a right to know - but that is for him to worry about. He wanted to wait until I had my ultrasound - which is in July. I however have another Dr.'s Apt in a few days - and I am hoping they will be able to tell me something then. Some sort of - "Yes, there is a baby in there and Yes, it's alive and well."

I hope I don't chicken out. lol

What I am dealing with now...

There are probably a handful of people that know I am pregnant. And I always find joy (yes, there are times when you actually feel joy) in talking about it. They always ask, "how you are feeling?" I always laugh when I am replying because it's weird, annoying, scary, did I mention weird!?

The first thing is your boobs hurt. And I don't mean they are a little sore...they hurt. "You may be a pregnant woman if..." when removing our bra makes you want to bite on some barbed wire! They hurt. I am sure it's different for everyone - but they hurt.

Secondly, peeing is interesting. I don't pee all that much. I pee when I get up, get home from work, and before I go to bed. I don't drink a lot. But I did notice that I pee all the time. I look at water and I have to pee. How does something the size of a poppy seed or the size of a pumpkin seed can make you pee 3 times more a day, is beyond me!

Morning sickness - well that is just a peach isn't it. You know those mothers who love morning sickness because it's part of being pregnant and the wonderful miracle growing inside of them. They can kiss it. It's not fun! There is nothing fun about it. Who wants to sleep like a baby and wake up and feel like they were on the same spinning roller coaster all day long?! I don't know. I don't love that feeling. It's not a FUN feeling. I would much rather sleep like a baby, wake up and feel fine.

Dizziness. Ugh - this isn't fun either. No one likes to be dizzy, unless you are a kid.

Sleepiness. This is the worst for me. I am tired all the time. I will be sitting at work and it will just hit me! Like I slammed into a brick wall at 100 mph. I sleep - which is a nice change - but I am tired all the time.

I know it sounds like I complain a lot - lol - I do....but it's just change! While I am left with dealing with a growing child - and the changes my body is growing though, others involved are living their life - as if it never happened. That is probably the hardest thing to deal with.

Secrets...

When you are hiding something as big and a new life from people you care about - it's very hard. At this point I am not eating - the stress is getting to me so bad. Mind you I have those days when I feel normal - where I can not have thoughts - but a majority of the time, you are thinking about it.

I received a call from my step mother claiming that she thought I was pregnant and that I need to come talk to them and not keep it a secret. I immediately called my sister and started yelling at her for telling them! She didn't - they just came to the conclusion on their own - so I denied it with everything I had. I had to reach into my bag of tricks from High School! Which is about how old I feel. Like I am 17 years old and hiding something from my parents - only it was that I was drinking or tried to smoke pot. I denied it on everything I had - and haven't spoke with them since.

I'll just avoid them - I figure it seems like the smart thing to do. (at this time, it seems smart)

But the more I think about how I have to hide pregnancy books, journals, and vitamins in a box next to my bed, the more I feel like I am losing my mind. I probably am.

What to do...

It never shuts off. It's constantly running! Especially when you are thinking about how this is going to change you and your life. Somewhat like a tree. You have one thought that leads to another that leads to another until at some point, there are so many thoughts you break down and nothing makes sense anymore. Something like this:

"Maybe I am not really pregnant"
"But the doctor said I was pregnant so I must be"
"How do you even hold a baby?"
"My boobs are already massive, they're going to get bigger?"
"What if they stay bigger? Can I afford plastic surgery"
"Can I afford diapers and baby food?"
"How much is baby food?"
"What do they eat baby food?"
"What am I going to name this thing?"
"Where is the dad?"
"Why isn't he calling me?"
"What am I going to do?"
"Maybe I shouldn't have this baby!"
"Maybe I should just do the quick and dirty!"
"No I can't do that, I wouldn't forgive myself"
"Maybe I could forgive myself!"
"I Can't do this alone!"
"Why the hell didn't I just use a damn condom!"
"At least it was good" lol
"What if I don't drink enough!"
"Is there something I am supposed to be doing right now!?"
"Am I really having a baby?"
"I need to clean the house."
"I need to stop thinking!"
"I need a cigarette!"
"I can't have a cigarette!"
"I can't jump on a trampoline!"
"I can't smoke crack!" (I don't really smoke crack - i just started listing all the things they tell a new mother to be NOT TO DO!)
"How am I going to tell my parents?"
"How am I going to tell his parents?"

Honestly - I could go on and on....for days! Well it does go on and on for days....until you finally come to some sort of conclusions as to what you are going to do. It doesn't help when people think they know what YOU should do and tell you all the time. I have come to find that YOU have to live with your decision, nobody else. I have a decision to make and I will make the right choice for me.

Doctors Visit

So I got into the doctors right away! I wanted to know right away if what I was being told by sticks was true. I mean, really, how smart is a stick?

I waiting in the room for them to call my name. The nurse came to get me - gave me the rules for peeing in a cup and then left me to do my business. I peed and waited in the room for the nurse to tell me what I needed to know.

She walks in with a big smile on her face - so if course I am thinking - "phew! I am not pregnant!" - it's what a normal person would think, right?! WRONG. She smiles and says, "you are pregnant! Congratulations! Are you excited!?" I blankly stared at her and said "I don't know." she asked me something about it being planned and I said "very much not planned." So she left the room - in which I said a few choice words to myself. This would be the start of everyone assuming just because you are over 25 - you are happy when you are pregnant. I am sure if I was 16 and she told me, she never would have even asked me a damn question about it or made one happy comment.

The doctor came in - prescribed me prenatal vitamins - and again went on and on about "how exciting it is..." and "are I excited?" Again, to which I replied, "I don't know." I mentioned that it was a complete surprise to which she made a snarling comment " well you are keeping it aren't you?!" I was still too much in shock to come up with something sarcastic and witty to reply. I could have said - yes, I am going to eat it, or now I thought I would sell it on the black market - babies are worth a lot! But I couldn't think straight.

I called Kate and my sister and told them the findings and how i thought the dad would be there and he wasn't.

Telling the father...

Well, so I went all day playing it all in my head on what I would do. Who I would tell. I talked to my sister right away and threw it all out there. We were not in agreement as far as who I should tell when - but I knew I had to tell the dad and I had no clue how. He is already a father of 3 BEAUTIFUL children - and one more would kill him.

So I freaked out all day. Cried, drove around, smoked, drove around, until late that evening I ended up at his house and asked him to go for a walk. At least where we walk is peaceful. So, I said "what is the worst possible thing that could happen to us right now?" If it was light out, I am sure he would have went pale. I bet he was. We walked, sat, and talked a little but it was mostly silent, except for the sound of me rambling on and on a mile a minute. Eventually we decided to wait to tell people until we knew for sure.

How it happened....

Ok, well I don't need to go into details on "how" it happened. Other than, it was a whim of a decision to go on a small trip and damn that best western and their awesome room! lol Still, that day, never would have thought it would have led to this.... (that is what happens when you don't think and just "do")

From the time we got back until about 4 weeks later - i was bombarded by family telling me to be careful or I was going to be pregnant. I laughed it off, because honestly, I thought I wasn't able to have kids. I was with my ex-husband for 7 years and it never happened.

One fine day, while walking though the grocery store with my good friend, Kate, I decided to put everyone at ease and buy a damn test and pee on it. (Who knew you would end up purchasing something for $13 and end up peeing on it and throwing it away. lol)

I peed - I waited - 1 minute later - I wasn't sure what I was looking at. "Is that a plus sign? I can't tell." So I did what any normal person would do! Call Kate. I don't remember what I said to her, I just remember her saying "I'll be right there..."

So she looked - and said I think that is a plus - so I did it again - and it was a plus - so then I peed on the digital one (which I recommend getting in the first place.) and it failed - I didn't have enough urine.

So i paced - laughed - freaked - paced - made a joke - laughed - kate made a joke - called her an asshole - freaked out.

There was only one thing left to do - go buy more tests! I bought 2 more digitals - peed on them both - and without even waiting 2 mintues - it popped up "PREGNANT". I did what any normal person would do...waiting for the "NOT" to appear before the "PREGNANT". It never did.

5 tests (at different times) and a doctors visit - it was confirmed. "You are with child! Aren't you excited!?"